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Will the real comic please stand up!

Paras Sharma (not Tomar) crucially opines about the state of stand up comedy in India.

Testing, 1-2-3, 1-2-3. Okay *ahem* Now I’m a guy who loves humour. (Wow really now? A humour writer who loves humour?) Okay, fine, forget that let’s start over. So WHAT IS THE DEAL with Indian stand up comedians? No? Too Seinfeld? Okay okay, last chance! Could stand up comedians in India BE any worse? Crap, that’s too Matthew Perry!

I’m sure you’re wondering what I’m trying to do here. Well ladies and laydas, what I’m trying to do in this badly written opening paragraph is to sound like our desi stand up comedians. In other words, confused and unoriginal! Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s grab our issue by the tetwa!
Thanks to the fact that I’m a student of psychology who is well versed with scientific research methods, I have once again, for your convenience, analysed and categorized the different species of stand-up comics in India. Being the modest and generous philanthropist that I am, I will share some of these with you now for fukkat!

1) Main Shayar To Nahi Species: The name of this species of stand up comedians comes from their brilliant camouflaging skills. These creatures who were until recently believed to be funny men have been actually discovered by yours truly to be rasta chaap poets! They have a tendency to yap endlessly about haseenas, paseena, pyaar, takraar, Khar, Virar etc; in other words they talk, incomprehensible sparrow-dull rhymes. What makes these species distinctly is that these ‘comedians’ recite their short, 42-line poems in a peculiarly monotonous tone, endlessly stretching the last syllable of each sentence. For your better understanding, here’s an example of a likely poem by these species along with the probable reactions of the helpless crowds…

Arz kiya haiiiiii… (Waah waah! Abhi Arz to kar!)
Ke Maine us se kahaaa… (Subhan Allah! Kya kaha woh aaj batayega?)
Maine us se kahaaa…
Oh my dilrubaaa…
Mere paas to aaa…
Aur mujhe bataaa…
Kya hum do dil ek jaan haiii…?
(Pause)
Usne kahaaa…
* Uaaaaaaacckkkthuuu! *
Mere mooh mein to paan haiii… (crowd spits generous amounts of phlegm on shayar! Waah waah!)

2) ‘Makemicry’ Species: This is the name of the next species, which comes from their profound love for cheap mimicry. Now don’t get me wrong, I love it as much as the next person when I hear a good Saif Ali Khan impression. In fact, I’ll go ahead and do one myself. ‘Wow! What’s da program yaar?’ Coming back to the point, though we all at some point liked mimicry, these species make sure that we stop liking it thanks to their horrible talents. Case histories reveal that 9 out of 10 such idiots started their careers in comedy after winning talent shows at college fests where the judges were busy ogling at the laydeej. Distinctive features of these species include an utter lack of any comic talent whatsoever paired with the tendency to bleat like a goat crossbred with Shahrukh Khan every 2 minutes. Should we k-k-k-kontinue now, hmmm?

3) ‘Teri Maa, Meri Maa, Nirma!’ Species: Before you break into the ‘Paani mein reh ke bhi yeh kam gale…’ verse, I’d like to clarify that this is only the name of our next species. These migrant species usually come in pairs from across the border and suffer from what Neo-Freudians refer to as Oedipus Complex 2.0. In aam aadmi terms this means that they are sexily attracted to each others mummyjis which explains the not-so-subtle double innuendo jokes they make at each others mom’s expense.
Here’s an example
1st Guy: Why did the rooster cross the road?
2nd Guy: Kyonki teri loose character waali ammi ne usse akele mein bulaya thaa… muhahahah!
1st Guy: Ullu ke bacche, teri ammi to mere abba ke saath jungle mein mangal kar rahi thi!
Sidhu: Oh guru! Maar suttya!

Paras Sharma

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