Home » zArchives » Humour » Cover story » WHITE


The throne of the reigning Queen of Indian TV, See-me Garewal, is under threat. An upstart called Karan Borehar has sweeped in and taken away her audience. Star Blurred has threatened to take her show off air. Now See-me must do something drastic to bring her viewers back. Aware that there is a considerable amount of curiousity about her own life, she has decided to go out with a bang – the last episode of Rendevouz with See-me Garewal will see the tables turned on her. It will feature See-me being interviewed by the equally enigmatic Pheka.

Pheka: Welcome to my… I mean See-me’s show. It’s so great having you here. We go back a long way. How does it feel to be interviewed by me?
See-me: Not bad at all. Listening to everyone’s sob stories all the time was starting to get to me. People can be so weak. They cry about their weight problems, their dog’s deaths and God knows what else. I have seen so much pain in my life. My world is white! But have you ever seen me cry? Have you ever witnessed my mascara run on national television?!

Pheka (wiping her tears): You’re so brave, See-me. So tell me, how did it feel when you found out you were colourblind?
Seeme: Oh, it was alright till I was acting in movies. My clothes were co-ordinated by my dress designer and I looked great. The days she was on leave, I would mangage just fine without clothes. But after my film career got worse than my eye-sight, I couldn’t afford a full time designer. I would land up at filmi parties wearing a yellow top and purple pants or a green sari with a magenta blouse. You remember Pheka, how I would cry on your shoulders when people laughed at me. That’s when you suggested that I only wear white. Now, all my clothes match!

Pheka: Oh yes…you look like an angel all the time!
See-me: Pheka, you’re really the only one who understands me. That’s why I love you so much and have made you my botox partner.

Pheka (panicking): I think you mean your ‘yoga partner’. That’s how we’ve maintained our youth, no See-mee?
See-me: Yes! Yes! Of course! I guess watching Pooja Body’s show is ruining my vocabulary. I tell you, the youngsters these days!

Pheka: You’re absolutely right! Not even 40 and they start trying these artificial things. Look at us, just 50 and we look even younger than them.
See-me: The younger lot are so fake. I mean, they might get their stars to wail away in their films but it’s all glycerine you know. Only I can get real tears out of my guests.

Pheka: Are you referring to a certain film maker turned talk show host?
See-me: Sorry I didn’t hear you. I’m partially deaf too, you know.

Pheka: Karan Borehar of Toffee with Karan fame.
See-me: Toffee? Pheka, we really must watch out weight you know. Besides, the only sweet you’ll ever be served on my show are rasgullas.

Pheka: I am not talking about sweets. Anyway now that these film makers are moving to the small screen, why don’t you move back to the big screen and make a movie?
See-me (lightens up): Oh yes! In fact, I’ve just been offered ‘White’ by Sanjay Geela Bhnasali.

Pheka: Surprise! Look who we have as our special guest. In walks Sanjay Geela Bhnasali, who seems traumatised by the fact that most critics have only given 4 1/2 star ratings to Black.

Sanjay Geela Bhansali (with emotion and pain): ‘White’ is a very positive colour. It is the colour of Ba’s sari, it is the colour of Sachin’s bat, it is the colour of milk, it is the colour of the Czechoslovakian cow, it is the colour of Lalu’s ear-hair, it is the colour of Ballika Sherawat’s chaddi…

Seeme (crying uncontrolablly because she’s so touched by Geela Bhansali’s speech): Oh Sanjay! Thanks to you, I’ve come into the light! The LIMELIGHT!

Coming Soon in Technicolour:
Golden: Starring Dhappida in a heart-rending story about a rhythmically disabled man who goes on to become one of the favourite musicians of the deaf!
Blonde: A film actress’s (Famisha Patel) struggle to act by maintaining a single hair colour!
Grey: A musically handicapped Indian Idle, Fanu Malik’s struggle to compose original music.
Off-white: Monia Gandhi, as a linguistically challenged woman who overcomes her vocabulary hurdles and pronounces her children’s name correctly for the first time!

About admin