Let me begin by stating that this article shall display extreme levels of hypocrisy. And if that bothers you, please stop reading right now. But I know most of you won’t stop, after all we thrive in hypocrisy. Let us begin with what I love doing, judging people.
Yes, I confess that I love it. It does not matter whether you are my close friend, an acquaintance or an absolute stranger. Mind you, I will judge you. Every time you pass me in the corridor, on the road, in the office, my mind launches into a tirade, “Seriously? You think you can pull off that colour!!” “Wow, she has put on some weight!!” “You are wasting your time with that girl, there is no way she will fall for you…” I have an opinion about everyone, it does not matter why you did not smile at me, what matters is that you did not meet my expectations. You will pay for this by being tainted as arrogant in my books. No, I will not bother finding out if you have lost someone you love or are busy fighting some other battle. You better smile at me, because I reserve the right to judge you. Everything that you do will be seen through this judgment glass, and to add to it, I will never accept to myself that the glass is distorting your true intentions. Who cares if you are being nice to me now, you probably need something, you arrogant arse!
Besides, I am a nice person, anyone who is not nice to me, must be a bad person. For those of you who are wondering why I am nice person, it is quite simple. I only ridicule and insult people who are bad, of course one may argue that my judgment may be incorrect. But I would simply respond by saying, who are you to judge that?
And to give me some credit, I believe in ‘united we stand and divided we fall’, that is why I don’t give up on occasions of ganging up on someone who had the misfortune of doing or saying something wrong. And of course it is absolutely crucial that one must not pass up opportunities of expressing our superiority by pointing out other’s failures and flaws. Therefore I will make fun of the fact that you have poor eyesight by taking away your glasses and asking, “Count how many fingers?”, or give you a fairness cream if you are dark skinned, or even better, give you a hair removal cream if you are hairy, and yes, I will conveniently ignore that none of these are within your control. The more important thing is, people will laugh at you and with me. Am I a bad person for wanting some social acceptance at your cost? Don’t worry, I will not judge you, for your success, but only because you sucked up to your boss for that promotion. Jealousy is not the reason for this judgment, I am obviously not insecure. It is just that my mind fails to accept that there is a possibility that you worked harder or deserved it more than me.
All this does not mean that I will not ask your help when I need it. If you are the nerdy kid in my class I will harass you all year long, and be nice when I need your notes before exams. And God forbid if you refuse, you will be judged as selfish. After all, year after year I let you top by putting in less effort. I wasted my time watching movies, sleeping through class, playing games, so that you could top. Now you have the audacity to refuse me notes, I cannot bear this injustice. And this is just one of the many wrongs that I face today. Despite that, I refuse to cross over to the other side. After all, good people like me are needed now more than ever before.
PS: I am certain that most of you have judged me now, without knowing much about me. It is nice to have you on my side.