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The Weekly Nonsense

Starting out this month, The Weekly Nonsense will answer all your queries and help you down the path of true enlightenment. Be it any damn thing in the world, the people at WN know it all

Why is it called ‘Weekly Nonsense’? Isn’t JAM a fortnightly?
Ah, the inquisitive reader, eh? Well, the name suggests that the column is worth absolutely nothing. But in guise of such a name, we are here to spread knowledge about every topic under the sun. The name serves a truer purpose, that of throwing the moral and also all other police off the trail, though they will still get a glimpse of it every fortnight. This has got us thinking now, as to why we came up with such a brilliant name. Okay, WN guys, whose idea was it to have such a name? Umm, inquisitive reader, we will get back to you.
Next, please!

Dear WN,
I’m a guy in an engineering college and I’m unable to find a girl…
Halt, my boy! Firstly, this isn’t an agony aunt column. We have ‘Agony Ant’ for that. Regarding your query, you’re in an engineering college. And you want to find a girl. Haven’t they taught you the mutually exclusive principle in college? What college are you in?

Anyway, here’s an explanation in that very mathematical language you so often use. Two mutually exclusive events can NEVER occur together. If one occurs, the other has to NOT occur. So you should be smart enough to understand that part one of your problem has forever ruined your chance to achieve success in part two.

I read somewhere that women take more time to understand jokes than men. Is it true?
Well, we will take the safer bet and say ‘nothing is true until proven’. It is time we move on from sexist jokes, for the greater good of mankind (and we’re gender specific here). What if all the women decide to take offence at our jibes and one fine day get on to a spaceship and fly away to start an Amazon-like civilisation on some obscure planet? Who will marry the guys?

Let us digress from the issue and imagine how the planet would be. Our guess is something like this:
Pink, with lots of branded retail showrooms of dresses, shoes, bags, and every other accessory on the planet; all of them costing as much as the GDP of a small African nation. Of course, how could we forget the flowers everywhere? Throw in a movie theatre or two, showing only romantic movies, with an occasional suspense thriller. NO action, and no comedies; a total absence of sarcasm. There will also be an absence in truthfulness and clarity of expression and…Wait, our female colleague has just got the joke we cracked at lunch, so we have to end this here.

Why has the Internet been nominated for the Nobel Prize 2010?
Just look at the previous winner. And you still ask? Just for your sake, we repeat the answer. The Internet has been nominated for ‘promoting dialogue, debate and consensus through communication’. The Internet has of course, revolutionised communication and given the expression ‘You’re a bad girl/boy’ and ‘Oh, baby!’ a whole new dimension. The guys who made the ‘Yehi hai right choice baby, aha’ ad couldn’t have imagined a more widespread usage of their catchphrase. And neither would have Enid Blyton named one of her characters Dick if she’d used the Internet then.

Okay, enough of dirty writing. The Internet has enabled thousands of people to get in touch with each other (in the comfortable sense of the phrase) and share ideas. It has also made stealing easier (to our joy). In fact, this column has been stolen after a quick Google search of ‘Rubbish column + insights + author based in Honolulu’. No we’re joking (What’s that? We’re sued? *********).

Socialising and networking and wasting time was never so easy. And, not to mention the shortening of the dictionary, take ROFLMAO for instance. Have you ever imagined a situation where a person cracks a funny joke and you suddenly start rolling on the ground with your bottom showing out of your jeans?
Now you know why the Internet is revolutionary.

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