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The Hammer Men Of India

India is a nation of hams and hammer men. And no, we’re not talking about the guy who went around smashing women’s heads. The problem is much more inherent. ASHISH SHAKYA explains…

So last week this Vikas Kumar Tak aka The Hammer Man from Mumbai, was arrested for (literally) knocking up women with a hammer. The dude was apparently inspired by Triple H’s hammer act on WWE. And you thought the country couldn’t get more retarded..ha!

It’s not just general stupidity – the entire world possesses that in good measure. What sets us apart is our tendency to go over the top. Take for example, our contributions to the modern world. We invented zero, we invented chess and we wrote the Kama Sutra. So far, so good. But then to show the rest of the world who their daddy really is, we went ahead and invented the Population Explosion. The bright side is that we’re moving closer towards world domination with every hump, moan and birth. The more of us there are, the harder it will be to beat us. At one point, we even managed to make one of our guys the President of Fiji. Now if we could just get Chad and Burkina Faso to side with us, we’d be ready to roll!

The flipside though, is that the population explosion resulted in Hammers like Bobby Darling and Suniel Shetty being inflicted upon us. If you’re planning to bump off Suniel Anna, try and not do the whole running-over-his-car-and-killing-him routine. The Hammer drives a Hummer. No contest. Although you could mention the word ‘acting’ and watch as he palpitates and dies of a haemorrhage. No I’m not sadistic – anyone who’s endured Umrao Jaan will share my sentiments.

Speaking of hams, there’s the Indian media which behaves like a gossipy housewife on speed. Thanks to them, I now know that Angelina had apple martinis on Sunday, and ice-cream on Monday.

Now which freak of nature wants to know that? If you’re gonna gossip, at least gimme something interesting. Like “Angie uses pink satin toilet paper, with golden threads hand woven in by one-armed lepers, specially flown in from countries with unpronounceable names”. Now *that* is good shit.

When it comes to overacting, can our politicians be far behind? Like recently, when Sharad Pawar was pushed off stage by the Aussie team, he started demanding apologies and all. Wah! Kya Acting Hai! If some Indian had dared do that, he’d be lynched, about 30 buses would’ve been burnt, and we would’ve got at least a 2-day holiday.

It’s funny that a country so deeply rooted in ham, actually worships cows. Shouldn’t we be worshipping pigs as well?

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