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Students for your exams

For the theme of this humor piece, I couldn’t choose between examinations and elections. Confused, I decided to seek the sagely advise of our Editor Arjun, who as always, made the choice clear with his Yoda-like advise. “Two very good options these are. For opinions expressed by authors, JAM is not responsible, our disclaimer says so. Cool?” he said. So without further bakwaas, here’s presenting the different types of student-personalities that you are likely to encounter at examination- halls. Hey don’t look at me like that! I can’t afford a lawsuit with my pay!

Pappu Pass (Out) Ho Gaya Personality: This type of student is perhaps the easiest to spot. Before the exams begin, it is likely that you will find them surrounded by a small army of relatives each of who take turns to utaaro aarti, feed mithai, lagao tikkas and give aashirwaad. When the time comes to get inside the exam hall, our brave hero, with his forehead almost completely crimson and nearly half his arm covered with lucky charms, bids a teary farewell to each of the relatives. Once inside the exam hall, Pappu unpacks a mini-medical dukaan containing everything from khatta-meetha candy to glucose water and energy bars. Our dear Pappu then proceeds to prey to the mini-mandir he has assembled inside his compass box, takes a deep breath and begins to write his paper. Three hours later when the warning bell rings, Pappu panics and breaks into a cold sweat and starts feeling giddy. On nine out of ten occasions Pappu then falls face down on the desk with a spectacular thud. The invigilator then rushes to Pappu and tries to revive him, which gives the other students time to copy to their heart’s content for the next ten minutes or so.

The Ghajini Personality: The name for this type of students comes from the research evidence that suggests that these kinds of students have a 15 minute memory span like Aamir Khan in Ghajini. Interestingly, these students use the same strategy as Aamir to cope with their memory limitations. Before the exam begins, it is likely that you will see them furiously scribbling away on tiny bits of paper which they later fold and hide in unmentionable locations. Before the invigilators hand the answer sheets, these students inform them that they are suffering from a case of explosive diarrhea, which as we all know, nobody questions. Midway through the paper, these students excuse themselves to the bathroom and write with a vengeance for 15 minutes or so after they come back. The process is then repeated as many times as possible. Sadly, though, they are likely to forget what answer they were writing each time and may therefore end up writing the same one several times over.

The Stationery ki Dukaan Personality: While most of us may think that two working pens, a pencil, a sharpener, an eraser and a scale are all the stationery items one could possibly require during an exam, these kinds think otherwise. Not one to leave anything to chance, these students pack enough stationery for all the students at the exam hall, but will snap back with a defiant ‘NO!’ if you politely ask if you could borrow something. Obsessive Compulsive as they are, they are likely to spend the first half an hour drawing multiple margins on each page of the answer sheet and the last fifteen highlighting important points with sketch-pens of different hues. Considering the fact that moderators like search-engines look for keywords alone while correcting papers, it is unsurprising that these students often end up becoming All-India toppers.

The Marathon Writer: Often dressed in sweats and sporting disheveled hair, these types of students inconspicuously enter the examination hall armed with nothing but a single working pen. When the answer sheets are provided however, they go into a sort of a trance and turn into different creatures altogether. Oblivious to everything around them, they nearly set the answer sheet on fire with their sheer speed of writing and are likely to ask for their first supplement before you even finish writing your name on the answer sheet. Strangely though, when the final bell rings, they, like Pappu mentioned above, tend to lose it and are often found pleading with the invigilators to give them ‘five more minutes’ to complete their last answer. In the unlikely event that the invigilator grants this request, they are likely to ask for ten more at the end of the five minutes. What follows then is a tug-of-war for the answer sheet between the invigilator and the student which on rare instances results in the answer sheet being torn exactly in half. On an unrelated note, research suggests that these students would fare extremely well as charge-sheet writers with the Mumbai Police.

– Paras Sharma

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