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Stree Maar Sena

This year though, the Stree Maar Sena has a new outlook on love, and beating ladies.

In a little over a month, a previously obscure right-wing extremist, Pramod Lunatic has become one of ‘India’s Most Hated’ – a title the man himself finds very hard to swallow. “Bhalai ka zamana hi nahi raha. You try to do something good for society and they turn around and call you names,” he dejectedly said over the phone as he invited me for a chat over a couple of drinks. Convinced that the man deserved to have his side of the story heard, I complied but only after politely turning down the drinks. Here I present to you, for the first time ever, the exclusive story behind Pramod Lunatic, straight from the horse’s mouth:

“Everyone hates me today just because my men roughed up a few morally loose, pub-going girls, but no one has ever bothered to hear my side of the story. At every stage of my life, I have been treated badly by women, right from childhood in fact! I remember this one time when I was in junior KG, when my friend Manu and I got into an argument with our English teacher. The teacher wanted us to recite a poem that was against our culture. I can’t remember the exact words but I think it said something about Jack and Jill going up a hill… and then coming down with a daughter. We tried to reason with the teacher that such poems would have a bad influence on the children, but she would have none of it. What was worse was that she made both Manu and me stand on the bench for the whole day. Shocked by this injustice, we vowed that we would dedicate our lives towards fighting these Western-minded English-speaking women who wanted to ruin our culture. Sadly Manu changed schools soon after and we lost touch. I haven’t spoken to him ever since, but I hear he went on to write a popular book about women.

To be honest though, I haven’t always hated women, you know? In fact, okay now this is making me blush, I actually had a crush on a girl when I was sixteen. Her name was Champakali, and she was perhaps the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. It was love at first sight you know? But I never had the guts to go upto her and propose. So I waited, hoping that she would one day come and propose to me! Eighth, ninth and tenth; three years I spent waiting for her, but still, this dream of mine was never fulfilled. Finally on Valentine’s Day (yes, I once celebrated it too), I wrote a love note for her which a contained a poem as follows:

“Oh meri Champakali
I’m going mad in your love, really!
That is why I decided to propose
And give you this red, red rose,
This feeling of mine, I hope you understand
Please to say yes and become my gullfraand.”

Instead Champa went crying to her didi and her mummy, both of whom came to my place and beat me up with chappals. When I was being thrashed, no one intervened, not even my own mummy! That was truly one of my saddest days. But looking back, I realize that it was also the day that my life got a new direction. It was on this day that I formed the Stree Maar Sena – a revolutionary body dedicated to beating the living daylights out of every woman who dare to desecrate our culture or break the hearts of our young men!
Today nothing can stop us! Not even piles of pink underwear! Come what may, we the brave, manly men of the Stree Maar Sena shall always fight for the love of our country!” says Mr Lunatic before taking a large swig. Soon after, his cellphone starts ringing to the tune of ‘You Sexy Thing’.

– Paras Sharma

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