” When you’re happy and you know it, and you really wanna show it, try not to look like an epileptic gorilla “, says Ashish Shakya.
Throughout history, men have made the world proud with their achievements, be it the wheel or something more recent but equally important, like nose-hair trimmers. However, there are times when the male species ends up looking really stupid. The invasion of Iraq is one such instance, especially when Bush learnt that it wasn’t pronounced ‘EYE-Raq’ after all.
Of course, you needn’t visit ‘Incredible Iraq!’ to witness displays of male stupidity. Just walk into the nearest club or discotheque, and you’ll know what I mean. On one hand, there will be a few (or many, depending on your luck) beautiful women, moving their lithe, sensuous bodies to the music. After slipping on a puddle of your own drool, your gaze will fall on the men. With their “Sunny-Deol-meets-Shakira-and-gets-shock therapy” moves, they’re quite impossible to miss. And that, my friends, is the greatest folly of the male species.
Let’s face it – all men are born with two left feet, with about thirteen toes on each foot. The ones that are not, are gay. I claim kinship with the former, and quite a happy bunch we are. Unless of course, we’re dragged on to the dance floor. After all, it’s impossible to resist when a bevy of barely-clad beauties beseech you to boogie with them. Or so I’ve been told. My partners..err..dance partners have only been engineer guy friends who, 4 pegs down, fancied themselves to be the love spawn of Michael Jackson and Prabhudeva (scary thought, that).
The male dance repertoire boasts of a number of snazzy moves, two of which are ‘Crotch Adjustment: Align or Die!’ and ‘Reconnaissance: Are the Bitches Looking Yet?’. So that leaves us with these scintillating moves:
1. ‘Joey’s your daddy!’:
Flash goofy grin on face, stretch arms out and trace out circles in the air, taking care to keep your butt jutting away from your body like an iceberg out of the ocean. Ok that may sound like a weird analogy, but watch 5 drunken men do this and you’ll know what I mean. Not that the Joey dance transforms them into playboys, but as Chandler would say, ‘Could it BE any more fun?’.
2. ‘O Mummy Where Art Thou’:
More popularly known as the ‘Walk Like An Egyptian’ step, it involves running around pyramids with Rachel Wiesz. No wait, that’s just how Brendan Fraser does it. The rest of us run to the bar and back, and when we’re tired of running, we put one hand to our foreheads, the other protruding like a tail, and bob our heads like a bad Bharatnatyam dancer. If you didn’t get that, never mind – it degenerates into pelvic thrusts anyway. Horny mofos, those Egyptians were.
3. ‘Naked Nagin’:
Ok the ‘naked’ in the title is just a cheap tactic to catch your eye (it worked, didn’t it?). Of course, when it comes to grabbing eyeballs, the Nagin step is second only to wearing a ‘Just Do It’ T-shirt at an HIV-prevention seminar. Made famous by the Sridevi blockbuster Nagin, it thankfully does not involve getting anywhere close to a man named Boney.(‘Boney’? What were his parents thinking? Maybe he was an exceptionally happy child). No, the Nagin step requires you to raise your arms over your head like a hood and jiggle your man-breasts violently, leaving the ladies breathless. Breathless with laughter, that is.
There are some other steps that men manage, like the Bhangra, which involves yelling ” Hoe hoe hoe! Hurrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! ” at regular intervals. There’s also the ‘I-have-loose-motions-and-will-not-move-too-much’, wherein you sway gently, trying to not upset your delicate digestive balance.
I’d love to elaborate more on the men who bastardize their brethren’s reputation with their repugnant attempts at dance, but I must stop here. It’s time for my salsa class you see.