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If you missed out on your fill of sewage at Mahim, fret not – JAM presents you with your very own miracle man, His Holiness Mr. Bhondu Batliwaala (Piss Be Upon Him). He brings you miracle water in five different flavours. Cheers!

1) Malabar Hill Sewage ‘Mineral’ Water
Sourced from Swarovski crystal toilets of the Malabar Hill elite, it’ll transform you from an ordinary brown guy to a ‘brown guy trying to be a white guy trying to be black’. Some people might protest against this molestation of the English language. But it’s ok – you can always run them down with your Daddy’s car.

2) Navi Mumbai Nallah Water
After tasting this sweet sewage, your vocabulary will expand to include classic Navi Mumbai phrases like ‘meri aand mat chaba’. You’ll also bond with nature, exploring hills, waterfalls and cattle anatomy from close quarters. All women from beyond Chembur will suddenly seem hot – even the ones from the Anti-Erection Squad (and we’re not talking buildings here, y’know).

3) Bandra Bacteria Water
Upon partaking of this miracle liquid, you will feel an uncontrollable urge to party every night. Your testicles will transform into ‘shiny disco balls’. Side effects include constant bitching about townies. But as usual, no one will pay you any attention – even miracles have limits!

4) Dombivali Drain Water
If your response to ‘Pudey Chala’ is ‘Huh? What? Who Pudey…main kisi Pudey ko nahin jaanta!’ , then Dombivali Drain water is exactly what you need. Just two sips and you’ll start jabbering away in Marathi. Unfortunately (for the rest of the world), you’ll never shut up. You’ll also start headbanging to ‘rock’ stars like Britney Spears. Porgi Raapchick aahe na?

5) Karol Bagh Keechad Water
This one’s specially for the ladies. Serve this water at your dull, boring Kitty party and watch as the already fat-and-jobless aunties become even more fat and jobless. It’ll also enhance your vision and hearing, so now you can snoop around and find out exactly how many times the pados-waali Mrs. Sharma waxes the hair on her toes.

Toon: Sumanda, Text: Ashish Shakya

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