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Once Upon a Time in a Call Centre

‘F#$K O%F!’
The first word that I heard from a well-mannered UK citizen when I started my journey in a well known international call center. Call center? A place where some Indian fools sit together, putting their invective hearing device (headphone) and try to sell some products to some fools all around the globe.

Like other junkistaniz, I wanted to enhance my oral skills and I’ll not deny, to woo some girls which is the USP of the call centres. But, I was unaware that I am actually joining that for enhancing my toleration of getting my ‘a**-kicked’.

I remember when I hit the floor after a long training day (which was like a honeymoon for me with a hot trainer), the first thing which I did was the search a hot colleague and an empty system beside her. My choice wasn’t bad. So, I sat beside her, she was busy taking calls. So, I thought to first ‘rock the floor’ then her but that never happened.

With full of self-confidence (actually, over), I logged into my system and started my first day. The very first call ends within 2 seconds as that’s the time it took Mr. Wilson to abuse me with an ‘F.O’.

That entire week, I got a zero result. Well, that was not bad. I learned about ten ways to say ‘HELLO’ like: YELLO, HELU, HELOE, HELOU, HEY. I learned how to do mouth exercises by twisting around the tongue in order to say Mr. Parker as Mr. PPHARKHARH and how ‘A for Apple’ becomes ‘A for Alpha’ as per UK’s phonetics. I learned how to become an ichha-dhari ullu by waking over night.

And within that week, I also learned about two new kinds of morphs of Lucifer (the devil) on earth: Team leader and Floor manager. Team leader who loves kicking the executive’s ass and manager jiski bhukh Kabhi khatm hi nahi hoti. They never learned anything except numbers and pounds. The devils who loves giving you under performance sessions and huddles every day. And yeah! I made a record in getting 10 sessions with team leader and manager within 5 days of working. Sometimes I felt that I need a psychiatrist session more than these office sessions.

Well, after that worthless week when I started my second on Monday, I was fully confident that ‘today, I’ll make it!’. And with that, I started taking calls. And yeah! I got a customer in the very first log. I threw my sales pitch at her (yes! A nice lady customer with whom I was dying to talk). It took almost one hour for me to make her understand about the product. And affirmative! I convinced her to buy the product.

So, the final stage was to keep on record her full name and postal address. I asked politely and she gave me her postal address. Though I knew her name was Mrs. Tina Smith (actually, TTHINA SMITTH). All what I had to do is just to confirm her name by using UK’s phonetics (this part was creepiest but mandatory).
So, I confirmed her first name: T for tango – I for Indigo – N for November – A for alpha. And It was just 5 second to go for her last name confirmation and after that I would get qualify in opening my account there. So….
“Ma’am, I am just confirming your last name which is SMITH”, I said excitedly.

“YES” the customer replied.
“Yeah! Its SMITH which is …..S for SEXY….M for MA’M….I for ….IN…T for TIGHT and …H for HUMP!” And with that automatically the call gets disconnected.
When I placed the headphone on my bay, I saw the yamdutt coming towards me in the form of Team leader and again…. SESSIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

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