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Olympic events that India can win

India’s Olympic dreams ended with three medals and hundreds of news stories about deserted shooting ranges. But things can be better.

The problem with the Olympics is that they’ve made it only for those people who are either very fast, very strong or very um… high. Indian people are none of those things. We’re fat, short and slow. The better of us are medium paced not fast.

We tried to show the world that we can be all of those things and more by inventing a game called Hockey where everyone has to run around and hit a ball with sticks. Then we realized there was a game where you could hit the ball with a stick by just standing in one place. So we started playing cricket.

The whole idea behind becoming a cricket playing nation was that there is actually very little effort involved. The batsman has to simply whack the ball around. They don’t even believe in running. “The strike changes at the end of the over. You want it changed before then, send a request to the BCCI, that is not our department”, say the batsmen. Even in the bowling department, India only does well with spinners who don’t have to run too much. And as far as fielders are concerned, they just come to watch the match from a better view on the field. You can see the wonderstruck and amazed Indian faces as they watch the batsmen hit the balls that go straight past them. “Wow yaar… kya shot tha!”

India has, for all these reasons and more, never been really successful at the Olympics. We kept winning gold at the Olympics at Hockey for some eight consecutive events. Even that was because, since Hockey was our own creation, we changed the rules the moment we realized we were about to lose. And refused to explain the rules to any other nation that wanted to play Hockey. So as a result, very few other countries participated in the event.

India’s show at the Beijing Olympics may have been the best in history, but it is still pathetic when you compare it to China or USA or even a country like Ethiopia. So what will improve India’s medal tally, I wonder? Perhaps if we introduced some events that Indians were actually good at. Such as…
1) Heavyweight coming-home-drunk-and beating-your-wife-and-children freestyle
2)100 meter giving-an-opinion-on everything-without-anyone-asking-for-it relay. North Indians will exceed all expectations here.
3) 200 meter opposing-any-new-policy-the government-comes-up-with-and-then starting-your-own-political-party sprint.
4) 50 meter eating-food-with-your-hands-and off-your-elbow-individual-medley. All south Indians… take a bow I say!
5) Littering
Lightweight littering freestyle (plastic)
Middleweight littering freestyle (cloth and other)
Heavyweight synchronized littering medley (organic matter and leftover food)
6) Gathering around to form a crowd (Men’s), Gathering around to form a crowd and gossiping about it later (Women’s)
7) Climbing on to a crowded train 500 meter freestyle, Climbing off when your station arrives 500 meter freestyle
8) Running-alongside-a-moving-bus-and getting-on 50 meter individual
9) Individual spitting in public places Categories: Tobacco/Saliva/ Mawa

It is only after events like these are introduced in the Olympics that India’s medal tally will drastically improve. In fact, I think India will take home all the golds in all these events. They might take home the remaining medals as well because other countries may be too disgusted with the events to participate.

I think the IOA should take note of this article and give these events a serious thought. Until then, I guess we’ll just have to keep inventing new Hockey rules to befuddle the opposing teams.

Chirag Mahabal

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