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KHEL SIHASAN KA-The Desi Game of Thrones

One of the great pleasures of life is watching beloved Hollywood flicks air on UTV Movies, dubbed in Hindi. You aren’t a true Indian Potterhead until you’ve watched Harry get sorted into Garuddwar and Draco into Nagshakti. I wonder how much longer must we patriotic Indians wait till that trend transfers to television and Colors TV buys the rights to produce the hindi versions of Sherlock, How I Met Your Mother and of course, Game of Thrones. Why, I can just imagine how THAT would turn out.

First, there’d be a nation-wide protest over the scandalous content in the original Game of Thrones. It is obviously against the values of our nation to air a show based on a fictional book set in a fictional land involving fictional people if it features (in parts) fictional nudity and fictional incest and fictional violence. It’s totally cool to suggest punishing rape victims though.

Then, as a compromise, Colors TV would sign an agreement with The General Population of India to do away with all the on-screen violence, gore, and other obscenities because that is against our culture though all of the above happens in our cities and to our people, is alright with us. The terms of agreement will also dictate that Tywin Lannister, the firm patriarch of the House Lannister whose primary belief is that the family reputation be upheld, be played by the quintessential Indian patriarch, Alok Nath.

Smriti Irani would be requested to make her comeback to television as Catelyn Stark/Kaushalya Sharma and her “raja beta” Robb/Rohan would never dare to marry outside their caste nor would Bran/Bharat disobey her about climbing. A special episode would air on Ganesh Chaturthi, featuring Meliasandre/Meenakshi’s havan for the Lord of Light complete with a classic ten-minute montage of her tearfully devout face gazing into the eyes on the Lord which will have viewers all over the nation feel the aashirwaad reach the very depths of their souls. Meanwhile in the desi version of GoT, Daenerys Targaryen will continue her journey of liberation and upliftment, paving a new path for feminism and female leadership in India, making Rahul Gandhi go weak in the knees. Finally, in Kings Landing, Olenna Tyrell, or as she’ll fondly be called, Baa will advise her granddaughter Margaery Tyrell/Maitreyi Talwar not on how to seduce her way to the crown, but on how best to “patao” Tommen with gaajar ka halwa.

As far as I’m concerned, I can’t wait for Colors TV to begin the production of Khel Sinhasan Ka so I can validate myself as a true desi GoT fan. After all, in the desi game of thrones you can either win or tumhari hatya ho jaati hai (for a short time at least, till the producers bring you back to life and you just happen to have amnesia). But then, we are all going to need amnesia to cope up with not one, not two but THREE big, fat Indian weddings that’ll each air for a week at least.

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