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I don’t regret my decision to do B. Tech. (But I am not happy)

So what happens when someday you stand face to face with reality, when the pressures of your life are just waiting for you to open the doors to your mind so that they can just squeeze into the meagre space that you’ve left for yourself, or when the truth, the questions that you’ve been trying to evade confront you, when you feel that life’s just giving you a hard time? Well, this was one of those days and when I finally managed to find some time for myself, my chain of thoughts led me to introspect. There are many things in our life that we take for granted, and many aspects of our life that we don’t consider.

“If you don’t get lost, there is a chance that you may never be found.”

We all have a corner in our life that is yet to be explored, a part of our life that is yet to be discovered. Some of us try to follow that feeble voice that comes from within, the voice that leads us on to unravel the mysteries that the world has to offer. But some of us are so unsure about the next step that we take that we end up following the crowd instead of standing out in the crowd. I never knew what I wanted from life. They say that you just have one chance to live your life, and you should make the most of it. But I was never bothered. So I followed the crowd. I did what most of the science students do after school. B. Tech. I wouldn’t say that I regretted my decision, but I just knew that I wasn’t happy. This is not what I wanted. I wanted to know what I was good at. I looked at people around me. Everyone had a talent. Everyone has a talent. They just need to discover it. And I wanted to discover mine, I wanted to discover myself.

Like every student who is lucky enough to get into a good university, I promised myself that I’d do well. That I’m never going to look back and regret my decision. Yes, it was my decision, with a slight difference being that it was influenced by those people who had a better control of my life and thought that they knew me better. I got along well with my classmates, majority of them being from Andhra Pradesh. Of course I had two of my closest friends with me. We were a pack, and somehow I knew that they’re going to be with me forever. We had our own share of fun, bunking classes, sleepovers, parties, treats and hangouts. They were amazing singers, and it wasn’t long before people took notice of their talent. This gave me all the more reason to look for mine. I tried singing along with them, whenever I got an opportunity, because as I said, we were a pack. But I never really enjoyed it, knowing the fact that I wasn’t good at it. Well, I was excelling in my studies as I’d promised, so my folks back home never really bothered about my interests in extra-curricular activities.

I study in a college where they don’t give much importance to cultural activities, being a technical University, and so I seized every opportunity that came my way. I realized that I had a soft corner for choreography. I enjoyed moving my body and taking swift steps and dancing along with the rhythm. Although I wasn’t doing what I was best at, but at least I knew that I was happy. But that was not the end of my story. I wanted to give a really happy ending to it. That’s when I got an opportunity to write for my campus newsletter. I was overjoyed when I got selected. Finally, I found something that I was really good at. Though, it wasn’t appreciated much by my parents, I knew I had to do this. I didn’t want to quit. I had discovered something that I was really passionate about. I never thought that I would get an opportunity to do what I wanted, but this was definitely a stepping stone. A new chapter in my life.

My grades never dropped, but the lectures were boring, and nothing seemed to interest me. Engineering is especially not meant for a person like me, someone who’s not interested in technology at all. I use technology, only because it’s convenient, not because it fascinates me.

Even though I didn’t enjoy my classes I did enjoy my college life, enjoyed breaking rules. Though it doesn’t have anything to do with discovering yourself, but it does tell you that you ought to have fun, and breaking rules is my way of having fun. My university has strict rules and regulations, especially for girls, and specifically about going out with boys. But I went out to the city with my friends, enjoyed myself to the fullest and I’ve had some of the best times of my life. I’ve been to the forbidden area, the lake behind the men’s hostel with my gang, playing with the cool water, but I also had to run for my life when the security guards chased us. You get a sense of euphoria when you know that you did something that you aren’t supposed to, it’s never going harm anyone after all. The best part is, I do all these things and still get away with getting caught ‘coz I’ve got a good reputation you see, and no one would expect me to do such crazy stuff.

I’m in the final year now, still one of the toppers, but still wondering, “What the hell am I doing in an engineering college?” I don’t have an answer. But I already know my future. I’d probably end up being one of those in a cubicle in a software company, doing something that is completely different from what I learnt. But I want to change my fate. I want to explore and live my life doing something that makes me happy. At the end of the day I should be able to appreciate myself for where I stand. There are very few who are courageous enough to take that step, and I want to be one of them. I don’t want to be one among the crowd; I want to stand out in the crowd. There were times when I thought of dropping out of college, but it is written in the Bible, “My child, keep your father’s commandment, and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.”(Proverbs 6:20), so I can’t let my parents down. They trust me and I have to live up to their expectations. But this doesn’t mean that I have to give up on my dream. I can still follow my heart; I just need to figure out how. Now that won’t be difficult. We are the ones who create ourselves. We are the ones who have to discover our passions and the purpose of our life.

Your life may bring you too many crossroads. You’ll find the drive quite comfortable if you know the road that you want to take. Your choices decide your happiness. When it’s all been said and done, it’s your decision that makes all the difference. You’ve got to let the divine power that rules this universe take over the wheels, draw out a map for yourself and explore all the possible routes, until finally you are right on track. Believe you me, no matter which road you take, if you grab hold of every opportunity that comes your way, take up your responsibilities and do it with all your heart, and most important, with good intentions, someday you will find yourself laughing at your mistakes and looking forward to a bright future. Finally, it all depends on what you believe… I had my share of fun and frolic, and I still have a long way to go. I’ve still got a lot of exploring to do. Life is short, and I’m going to make the most of it.

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