This species is defined by their unique abilities of eating non vegetarian food and consuming alcohol. A standard male mallu friend can typically take in anywhere between 4 to 6 litres of kingfisher strong beer at a time (7-8 if the mallu is from S.I.E.S.). Contradictory to earlier presumptions, dosas and appam is not a malllu’s favourite food. The actual favourite as a standard or all mallus is butter chicken. A hungry mallu can devour anywhere between five to six leg pieces at one go. Numerous chunks if it is boneless. As a ritual after every meal, a mallu will regret gorging on so much chicken and call his/her mother and tell her not to make food that night, after resolving to start jogging ‘from tomorrow’.
A mallu will look to mate amongst its own clan and is averse to even talking to Christians/ Catholics or ‘Paav-wallahs’ as they like to call them.
A mallu is usually calm and composed by temperament but can quickly lose its compositure. Upon being subjected to slapstick humor such as laurel and hardy and Mr. Bean, a mallu will wildly slap his thighs while laughing out loudly and rocking to and fro. Some can also be heard saying, “What a funny!”
Scientific name- funneeaccentus sapien
This species is defined by its tendency to try and eat all the food you have. One should be very careful not to open a tiffin in front of this species as it will be finished sooner than you can say, ‘Aurobindo dada’.
Bangali friends also have a differentiated manner of talking. They will usually add a ‘haiiiiinnnn??’ after everything they say. EVERYTHING they say. And its an art to be able to recreate a similar ‘haiiiiinnnn??’ by a non Bengali. Bengalis like Mallus prefer to stick to their own clan. They will usually look at any non-bengali with suspiscion and doubt. Then be it Nelson Mandela or Mother Teresa, they will doubt any non-bengali.
Bengalis also have the irritating habit of calling their Bengali friends into your group and conversing with them in Bengali so nobody knows what they’re talking about. They will also suddenly laugh out loudly making everyone wonder what the joke was.
Bengalis are also easily offended and have treacherous means of taking revenge on someone they hate. Which usually is any human that is a not a Bengali.
Scientific name- bhangrapaalopaajicus mammalus.
Punjabi friends are defined by their availability when you need friends to bash up someone. Punjabi friends will be the first ones in a group of friends to start cracking sardar jokes, leaving you embarrassed and awkward.
These friends need a reason to celebrate anything at all. So the next time you buy a new packet of cornflakes, be sure to tell them so you they’ll treat you to kadhai chicken. Or if you get your wisdom tooth removed, tell them so you can celebrate it with some beer at the local beer shop where you get kadhai chicken as a side order.
This species has the annoying habit of buying expensive things every two days and then calling you up and telling you about it so you feel miserable about your life. In case you happen to buy something, they’ll tell you what a bad deal you got as the same thing was available for cheap just down the street from where you bought it.
The parents of these species will call you to their houses and slap your backs. This is some sort of way you pay respect to their parents. They’ll hit you so hard on your back so you’ll stop breathing and then pour lassi down your throat to get you back to normal. To top it all off, they’ll say, “Oye tera friend badda kamzor hai yaar”
These species are some of the most enjoyable people to have around. After every Sunday they will tell you what they did on the Sunday. It will usually consist drinking wine and eating beef. In fact, all this species ever manages to do is drink wine, eat beef and play guitar. Catholic friends will try and convince you to join the merchant navy. They’ll talk to you endlessly about it till you get sick of it and join the merchant navy just to shut the bugger up. They will also force you to listen to boney m and Lionel Ritchie by continuously playing it on their cell phones.
All the fathers of catholic friends have French beards. The catholic friends themselves will grow up to have French beards one day. Except if they’re girls. In which case they’ll marry catholic friends with French beards.
The ideal life for these friends is to eat beef, drink wine, listen to Boney M, join the merchant navy and one day, grow a French beard.