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Column About Sex!

The importance of sex education in classrooms can never be undermined. To explain, here is a column.

Now that I’ve got your attention let me get straight to the point. The fact that our nation desperately needs sex-ed is made evident every single day by the repeated ‘Will masturbation affect my health?’ and ‘Does kapde pehen ke pyaar cause pregnancy?’ type queries that are hurled at pervert uncles in leading newspapers. I, therefore, have taken it upon myself to start public interest campaigns to educate the masses about the most recent developments in the field of what happens when a mommy and a daddy fall in love. Under 18 baccha log, shut your eyes now!

1) Mouse ya Spouse? Latest advances in stem cell research have said that tooth pulp (the gooey stuff inside your teeth) is very rich in stem cells. These stem cells if injected into, I kid you not, the testicles of mice can produce ‘potent human sperms’ (besides super pissed off mice with sore tenders!). This effectively means that guys are screwed. The ladies have always loved Jerry, Mickey Mouse, Stuart Little and other furry little fellows. If this research is true indeed, here is how I think couples may fight in the future…

Wife: Honey, I think it’s time we added a new member to our household.
Husband: You mean I can finally have Pappu the puppy as a pet? Oh goodie!
Wife: No honey, I mean a baby.
Husband: Oh… umm… a ba… by?
Wife: What’s wrong, dear? You don’t want to be a daddy?
Husband: Uhh… ummm
Wife (pissed off): Fine! Say cheese!
Husband: Uhh… Cheese?
Wife: (punches tooth out)
Husband: Ow! What the..? Wait, why are you going to the mouse hole? Honey? Honey?

2) Tere Baap Ki! When I first read that a ‘man’ gave birth to a baby girl in the papers the other day, I thought to myself, ‘Didn’t Farah Khan have her kids already?’ Turns out it wasn’t Farah Khan but just some woman with a sex change gone wrong. So in the interest of the masses I decided to interview him/her/it.

Here are some excerpts:
Me: You do realize that your giving birth raises a lot of questions, right?
He/she/it: Yes, I understand that this gives rise to many ethical questions.
Me: Well actually, I was more concerned to find out stuff like, ‘Are you the first man to understand what a woman goes through during PMS?’, ‘What hurts more getting kicked in the nuts or giving birth?’ and…
He/she/it: I’m sorry to interrupt you but I’m afraid I have no answers for these questions. All I know to do is to love my child with all my heart.
Me: Oh yeah that reminds me, will you tell your kid that you gave her both maa aur baap ka pyaar to emotionally blackmail her in filmi style when she’s a teen?
He/she/it: Bye! (leaves)
Me: Wait… damn! I forgot to ask how he/she/it pees!

3) The New I-Kill… Now with Paralysis! Before you ask your lady to pop in one of those emergency contraceptives because of kal raat ki bhool, please read this news item. Ladies, the friendly little pills which you use to convince your folks that your virginity is locked safe behind a chastity belt, can paralyse you and make your face look like Arjun Rampal and Dino Morea for the rest of your life! It’s unlikely that this will go unnoticed by your Indian supermom, who can tell if you have a bad stomach from the stale medu wada you had in the canteen just by looking at your facial expression. Don’t believe me? Fine take a look at this reconstructed conversation:
Mom: You’re late again!
Daughter: I had extra lectures ma!
Mom: It’s a Sunday!
Daughter: Really? How time flies in an interesting lecture!
Mom: You’re sexually active, aren’t you?
Daughter: How could you doubt me like that mom? I’m appalled by the lack of faith….
Mom: Swing your arm!
Daughter: Wha… what?
Mom: Fine, wave your hand
Daughter: I… I don’t understand?
Mom: Wiggle a finger!
Daughter: Bu… but… why?
Mom: Chal, just wink at me. Come on, what’s the matter?
Daughter: Uhh… umm… er…
Mom: Are your partially paralysed?
Daughter: (hangs head in sharam)
Mom: That’s it young lady! No more college for you. We have to get you married before you tarnish our family name! I’ll tell Panditji to send pictures of the best mice in the city right away!
Daughter:Naheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!Issued in public interest by Ramu Mutt.

– Paras Sharma

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