I met Mehar through a mutual friend, when I was 14 and within seconds I knew that she wasn’t just another ordinary teenager: She was a vibrant girl who would go out of her way to help people smile, she’d let things pass her by, dance to her own tunes, love on her own terms, eat like a monster, and she just was. From signing in the corridors, eating during classes, talking about our crushes and stalking and hating them eventually, to her calling me in the middle of the night to cry her heart out ÔÇô somewhere amidst the chaos, we became the best of friends.
She knew that I was allergic to soy, so she’d get pasta every second day that didn’t have a soya sauce dressing.┬á 3 years had passed and we were almost done with our tenth grade. I got a call ÔÇô M was in the hospital: critical, barely alive, and I had no idea why, and watching her under those white sheets rendered me completely heartbroken and unconscious.
9th December, 2010 ;she was gone. My best friend. Gone. Forever.
And I being her best friend, took it upon me to take care of everyone else. I somehow felt responsible, so I had to stay strong for her. It was my job, right? After all, she meant the world to me, and now that she wasn’t a part of it anymore, how could I ever go on? I’d cry myself to sleep and pretend through the days. This was my life. I used to be an artist, but now it was all gone ÔÇô I’d stare at the canvas and unceasing and haunting darkness is all that ever was. All that was left; disturbing, vivid memories that were slowly emptying me. I’d feel this pain inside me, and wish on a lucky star to hear her voice again. Just to know that she’s still around. That she’s safe.She’s happy.
How could I ever go on? It was all that was left of me ÔÇô irreparable brokenness, I couldn’t be fixed.
Two years went by, and I started going to college. All grown up. Everything seemed to be going OK, and I was confident about myself. Torn apart inside, but standing tall. 9th December, 2013 ÔÇô and I didn’t break down; not a single tear was shed. And I was insanely in love with it all ÔÇô this labyrinth that I was stuck in. My impeccable labyrinth. My solace.
I found home in the eyes of everyone I ever loved. I realized that I never really had to replace her. All I had to do was fill that void inside. 3 years, and I finally let go. I was strong enough to let it all go ÔÇô cause M wasn’t weak, she may have lost the battle, but she triumphed her life. She may have given up on herself, but she’d always have me looking up and smiling, cause I wouldn’t mind talking to the night sky.
I spent three years trying to find her. Now I know, I don’t have to. Cause she’ll always be here. My beacon in the night ÔÇô she always finds a way to whisper “I love you” right back, and some nights when it gets really dark and quiet, I listen carefully and I can hear her. I knew that my words would be alright to carry her to me.
All I had to do was be brave.┬áBrave enough to get through another day, brave enough to hold on a little longer. Brave enough to let go.
But there’s something that’s constantly trying to remind you that you’re going to be OK — a sweet melody that is akin to the heart. Something comforting. Something impeccably beautiful.
A whisper in your ear: regardless of how fallible you are, you are not a lost cause.
Why don’t we eat through the pain? Honestly, go get some chocolates. Go on a date alone. Watch a film. Go buy yourself twenty, pretty balloons. Talk to a stranger. Dance all night. Drown yourself in your own tears, if that’s what it takes. Get a pet; cats are adorable.┬á Stop relying on people.┬á Stop judging yourself every minute of every day — just let go. Just breathe. Forget it all.
Hurt as long as you want, cry as many tears as there are — just don’t let them stain your face. Just don’t be bleary eyed. Don’t be heartbroken forever. Be your own best friend. Be all that you need. It’ll suffice.
Cause love will find you, and love will save you. When you feel the warmth of love slowly breaking the cold ice of hatred and despair, you know that it’s going to be okay.
I dare you to be loved.
Cause I found my hope. And I breathed again. I picked up my paintbrush again, and I let go; one stroke at a time.
All I had to was remind myself over and over again, ÔÇ£Death ends a life, not a relationship.ÔÇØ So I’m going to go buy myself two friendship bands.
ÔÇ£I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am.ÔÇØ And it was all that ever was.