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Baby Species

Babies, those sweet little angels. Well I don’t think so, cause their tiny brains are constantly contriving to irk us.

Baby Projectile
This baby gives the term ‘hot springs’ a whole new meaning. It’s amusing to see a tiny toddler shoot up watery sprays to unimaginable heights. But it stops being amusing once the spray hits you dead on your face, or in lands in your Maggi, or on the 12-hour assignment you’ve just finished. The babies give you no warning before the this attack, which leaves no room for you to defend yourself. It gets all the more irritating when elders cloyingly tell you, “It’s just baby pee beta“. Baby or no baby, it is someone else’s PEE you numbskulls.

Baby Mimic
This baby, who has just discovered its new ability to talk, runs to you when you are in the middle of a BC/ MC spree over phone, or shooting expletive as Mohammed Kaif walks away with a single digit score. This little punk who takes almost 3 years to add papa or mama into its vocabulary, shows great pronunciation skills uttering the fu*ks and ch*tiyas. And painfully it goes around shouting those colourful words with its screechy kid tone. Your grandparents consider your very existence on earth shameful.

Baby Critter
The emergence of teeth is obviously good news for babies who’ve had milk, rice and dal water for several months. But the teeth brings with it a whole new set of problems. You see babies can’t differentiate between food and the hands that feed them. So when one of the very few times you volunteer to feed the little critter, it goes around leaving hundreds of bite marks on your precious fingers. The thing that makes the bite more painful is that you cannot pull off your fingers suddenly, as there is a fear of hurting the little devil. So you slowly and gently and patiently slid it out of the baby’s mouth, which gives it enough time to squeeze the life out of it.

Baby Dumbo
All babies are not always the sweetest and pleasant-est things to look at. Sometimes we do comes across certain toddlers who have pale and barren faces to show up. In short even an empty wall has more expressions on it than the baby’s face. Frankly they put up such an uninspiring look on their faces that it drains all the energy out of you. You are at your wits end when you are asked to play with such babies. Ironically, it’s funny seeing their parents shouting their baby to be the cutest thing. Ughh!

Baby Destructive Hands
Destruction has always been the baby’s middle name. It’s not surprising, then, that it dismantles more things than the mice in your house. Be careful when you pick up this toddler, the first thing it’ll do is poke a grimy finger in your eyes. Or it may well pull your goatee. The baby will never tire. In fact, Undertaker will seem a friendly soul next to this baby.

– Nimish Varadkar

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