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Assmo Commandments: 10 Ways To Tell If You’re Headed For Dumpsville

1. He assigns a special caller tune for you – Metallica’s ” Die Die Die My Darling!”

2. He gets your name tattooed…on a stray dog, which he kicks around with much gusto.

3. He gifts you the same dog, but conveniently forgets to give it a rabies shot.

4. Whenever you’re out on a date, he spends his time talking on the phone…to the Hutch Automated Voice Response System. (*For breakups, dial 1..*)

5. He got you roses last night – freshly stolen from the grave of one Albert Pinto, at Kandivali cemetery. (No wonder Albert Pinto ko gussa aata hai!)

6. He keeps trying to fix you up with his friends. “Baby, this is my childhood friend Champak…he used to be the Champion Long Distance Snot Shooter in school..why don’t you guys hang out for a while? He’s single *wink wink*.

7. He refuses to have sex with you, citing ‘an inauspicious liasion of Mars with Mercury in the third sector of the galaxy, for which you have to take a left from the asteroid belt’.

8. At Bandra Bandstand, he prefers to spend his time admiring the structure of Bandra-Worli sealink, rather than admiring your structure.

9. He changes his relationship status on Orkut from ‘committed’ to ‘committed to getting the f*** out of this relationship’.

10. He gifts you a copy of ‘Chicken Soup For The Whiny Bitch’s Soul ‘cos She’s Gonna Need It Soon’.

Ashish Shakya

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