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Ask with confidence!

Something you are too embarrassed to talk about? Afraid to share a deep, dark secret with your best friend because it involves her fiancé, whipped cream and a handycam? Need help but don’t know who to ask?

Well then this is your lucky day!

For Assmopolitan’s very own in-house relationships specialist, Dr. Victor Terminus is here to help. Just drop in an email/letter/sms with your problems. We will ensure that we will immediately have them forwarded to our friends and family to cheer them up by proving to them how their lives are actually not, coming to think of it, as bad as it seems in comparison to those of our pathetic readers. And then, on a war footing, they will be handed over in confidence to Dr. Terminus.

He will then pick and choose a few and respond to them in each issue of Assmopolitan.

Dear Dr. Terminus. I am a middle aged housewife married for the last three years. Last week while my husband and I were engaged in a romantic interlude a startling thing happened. Suddenly, with no warning at all, in a moment of wild abandon he screamed out the name of Usha Uthup.

This came as a complete surprise to me and as you can imagine I was devastated. Ever since then I cannot remove the image of Usha Uthup from my mind. Even in the arms of my husband I can think of no one but Usha Uthup.

That woman makes me hot! I want her! Right now! I have already learnt to scream “Whose your mama!” in all the major South Indian languages, Hindi and Bengali. How can I make her mine?

Archana – Versova

Dear Archana your letter interests me deeply. I hope it comforts you to know that your fascination for the songstress is not isolated. In fact fascinating about other people is not only uncommon but is also considered healthy. BUT DEFNITELY NOT BY MAGAZINE ADVICE COLUMNISTS IS SOMETHING THEIR WIVES MUST NOTE!

But before I suggest any remedies I need to know some more details: When you are screaming “Whose Yo Mama Big Girl!” or, hee hee, suchlike, what exactly are you doing? What is she? What are both of you wearing? Can we meet to discuss this? I would love to!

Dr. Terminus I have written to you many times before. About the girl who has been giving me sleepless nights? You know all the details. As I told you we spend a lot of time together every day. Sometimes three to four hours. But I am not sure what her feelings for me are. I think she is the one for me. I know that I will make my life once she is by my side. I am feeling very frustrated. What should I do?

Kamaraj – Worli

Dear Mr. Kamaraj, hehehe, sorry for the delay in response. Your problem is freaking hilarious being discussed very seriously here and we have identified some basic issues with your understanding of the problem:

By quality time we meant going for a coffee or a softy or something like that. “Fondly looking at her standing in the ladies compartment through the gap in the grill from Mira Road to Dadar everyday and back” does not qualify as quality time.
Being thulped with a cricket bat over the head by her brother is taking the phrase “Have interacted intensely with immediate family” a little bit too far.

You said previously that you found her shyness endearing. That her reluctance to talk was oh so bharateeya nari. However we think you might be misreading certain aspects of this. For instance the three FIRs she has filed at the police chowky in Bhayander indicated something more than shyness.

We think that this relationship may not work for you. You are clearly barking up the wrong tree. We sense there is doom approaching. However, and we cannot emphasize this enough, one must NEVER GIVE UP AND must keep keep trying without losing faith. We eagerly await your updates and suggest you write to us on a regular basis you moron.

Hi Victor. My boyfriend and I have been going out for two years now. Recently one of my old school friends moved to Mumbai and I invited her for dinner out with the both of us. The both of them seemed to hit it off fabulously. Initially I did not think much of it. But increasingly I think that something fishy is going on. I checked his cellphone and he has a lot of calls from her. Also he recently changed all his email passwords. I really think something is going on. I feel terrible. It is entirely my fault. What do I do?

Tania – Kolkata

Honestly I am quite taken aback. Tania your distrust in your boyfriend is disgusting. How can you question his love and his passion for you just based on a few flimsy reasons? Neither do you trust you dear old friend from school. Frankly all I can tell you is to grow up. Stop being insecure about your relationship and learn to trust the people around you. Especially the people you love.

However, we here at Assmopolitan also do not believe in letting you go without closure. So we suggest you wait till the next time he goes to meet her. Then you should follow him till you find out where they meet and what they are up to. Optionally you may carry a video camera with you. A digital camera will also do well. Arrey, at least carry a camera phone then.

Diligently capture everything that is going. From as many angles as possible. Then quickly make your way back and email/courier the contents to us along with a passport size photo of yourself. This helps us prioritize. We are always busy here and it may take some time to get back to you. But we will, in due course.

Our gut feel here is that there is nothing going on between Anand and Shikha besides some heavy petting and a little making out and kissing. That’s all.

Oh heck!

Sidin Vadukut

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