Ever since 26/11, Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Sarkari has been like a turtle on a fence; he has no idea where he is, how he got there and how to get down and obviously thinks that all of this is some sick joke that a mean bully is playing on him.
Nonetheless, we want answers from him. So here’s presenting an exclusive interview with the man of the hour himself, Asif Ali Sarkari.
JAM: Now that India has shared evidence, what is stopping Pakistan from recognizing, Ajmal Amir Kasab as a citizen of its country?
AAS: Let me assure my Indian brothers that we, here in Pakistan are still carrying out our own investigation regarding the nationality of Kasab. At this point we cannot totally ascertain that Kasab is a Pakistani citizen, but yes the evidence we have gathered from our initial investigations suggests that Kasab may have Pakistani links!
JAM: Wow Sir! That is a landmark announcement. Does this mean that Pakistan now accepts that the lone captured terrorist from the Mumbai attacks, Ajmal Amir Kasab belongs to Pakistan?
AAS: Easy there! Sheesh where do you amateurs get these ideas? I didn’t say any such thing!
JAM: But Sir, you just said that he may have Pakistani links?
AAS: My point exactly I said ‘MAY’. That confirms nothing, I MAY be a terrorist myself. You MAY be a terrorist too. But if you carefully notice there is a ‘MAY’ in both these sentences that separates fact from speculation. Just because you feel that my aunt may be a man doesn’t make her my uncle now, does it?
JAM: But, Sir even Nawaz Sharif said so!
AAS: You Indians still trust him after Kargil? That’s hilarious!
JAM: Sir, even your own national security advisor said so too. Are you saying he too cannot be trusted?
AAS: Is that the case? Hmm… that fellow is usually trustworthy. Wait, let me call him. I’ll be back in a minute, okay?
Hmm, Yes I just spoke to him. He just told me that it was all a misunderstanding, what he meant to say was that Kasab is in fact NOT a Pakistani. He’s really sorry for the confusion he may have created by making that statement. In fact he was so ashamed, that he offered his resignation!
JAM: Coming to something slightly more personal, was there any truth to your infamous nickname ‘Mr 10 percent’?
AAS: What rubbish! This is utterly unprofessional on your part. I can sue you and your magazine for defamation! Go check your facts clearly!
JAM: My mistake Sir, sorry!
AAS: Well you should be! Never in my life and I mean NEVER have I accepted a 10% commission… I never accepted less than 30!
JAM: Is there any possibility that Pakistan will extradite the terrorists India has demanded?
AAS: As we mentioned earlier, if any of the alleged individuals are arrested on our soil, they will be tried and punished according to our laws. Extradition is out of the question. We however have a lot of other terrorists here, whom we will be sending shortly to India, once the whole 26/11 ruckus quietens.
JAM: Is your government serious in tackling terrorism? Or is it just an eyewash?
AAS: Listen boy, we are dead serious when it comes to terrorism! I, myself, am a victim of terror. The republic of Pakistan is dealing with these terrorists as we speak. And let me also assure, we are making them pay!
JAM: If that is the case indeed, why aren’t we seeing any results?
AAS: Well, what can I say! They pay too well!
JAM: So you are neither keen on extraditing terrorists to India, nor serious when it comes to tackling them on your own soil. How does that make you any different from Mushaddap?
AAS: I’m a civilian!
– Paras Sharma