As Valentines’ day rears its ugly head, boyfriends and husbands all over the world are getting that nervous feeling in their stomachs – the feeling of impending doom over the selection of one of the most pointless rituals invented by the modern world: The Valentines’ day special super-duper gift for the girlfriend. Also known as the ‘it’s-that-time-of-year-again?-so-soon?’ gift.
But fear not, my fellow boyfriends. This comprehensive step-by-step gift buying guide will put all the miseries of the past behind and simplify your life. When you’re buying a gift, you need to keep these three things in mind. Follow them closely, and you will not be disappointed.
1) Be thoughtful
This point is probably the one that has brought the most amount of grief to you. You know you’re supposed to get a “thoughtful” gift, but you can’t think of any thoughts, and all your thoughts about the thoughtful gift always seem to drown in an ocean of uncertainty. But all these years, you’ve been missing something.
A thoughtful gift means a gift that makes HER think. It doesn’t matter how much thought YOU put in. You see what I mean? No? Let me explain:
The ideal gift is a puzzle book. I would recommend 10001 Sudoku Puzzles. This book will make her think so much, that the thoughtfulness will last for several years. Another good idea is to get a blank greeting card with just the big question mark on it. Your girlfriend will spend hours wondering what the hell it is that you’ve given her – tada! Thinking achieved, mission accomplished.
2) Remember those little things
The greatest effect can be achieved if your gift connects to your common past somehow. Think back to an intimate moment that you shared, or the one time that she said something just in passing. Showing that you remembered and were actually paying attention is great, and it will also score lots of bonus points.
This one time, the wife and I were having this talk about Switzerland and Austria and the wife said how it would be great to have a vacation in the Andes. I remembered that and at the next Valentine’s day, I bought her an atlas.
I pulled it out and showed that the Andes are actually in South America and not in Europe, and that her geography was totally wrong, so her entire vacation argument was invalid and impossible. I remember feeling very warm after that. The wife didn’t talk to me for several days afterwards, but I think it might have been a throat infection or something – I didn’t ask.
3) Give her something she wants
It is important to give a gift that has meaning and is of some use. Some gifts are ephemeral – like a loving kiss or a long stemmed rose – don’t do those kinds of gifts. It’s a stupid idea, because it lasts only a few moments, and then it is forgotten.
What you want to do is to give something that will stick with her for a long, long time. I would recommend the new Vim dish washing soap. Apparently it lasts 90 days! For an even more lasting effect, gift her an alarm clock – with its daily alarm set at 4am. This way, every time the alarm goes off, she will automatically think of you. Total win!
I’m planning on the alarm clock this time. I think I’ll do well! Can’t wait for Valentine’s day!
– Aditya Kulkarni