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Dear Kevin, Chris, Justin, Paris, The Haitian guy from 50 Cent’s latest video (3rd from left in the 1087th scene with seminude black and latino dancers lap dancing violently while Armani-clad 50 Cent placidly chews on a cigar), and other celebrity toy boys/girls with a fetish for white trash,

You’ve probably guessed by now that I’m not very good with words (if you haven’t, try reading some of my lyrics), so I’ll try and make this as short and sweet as possible.

I’m sorry for all the distress I’ve caused to you and “millions” of my fans through my actions in the last couple of weeks. I’ve taken stock of my situation and understood my mistakes, and I’ll try extremely hard not to repeat them anymore.

First of, I’m really sorry I didn’t sniff coke before taking the stage for the VMAs. As you all know, most of my earlier performances were perfect because I was always on a high doing them. Unfortunately, the rehab actually worked this time. For one whole day, I didn’t sniff anything. And the results are for all to see. I couldn’t even do a decent nip-slip…

I know, not everyone has the same standards of performance as I do. That’s what rehab taught me, to recognise other people for what they are: worthless pieces of crap. And I realized, I shouldn’t be losing my own identity because some overpriced shrink thinks I need to “become a better person”. So I’ve started sniffing up again, and I’m sure you’ll see me at my performing best in a couple of days. (By the way, Kevin, I think you still have the Babyrave LSD pills we used to mix in Sean’s babyfood. I’ll be needing that back, so my lawyers are gonna have a word with you.)

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not a girl anymore. I’ve grown up. I’m a 25-year old mature woman with nearly two (or is it three?) broken marriages behind me, two precious kids who love hanging from the roof of the car while their mom drives them shopping, 1762 past relationships (at last count) and a loving family that likes to feed off of my fame every once in a while. I think it’s time people started seeing the real woman inside me.

But I know that to make a difference in my own life, I’m gonna have to take the first step myself. So now, I’m gonna try and own up to all the mistakes I’ve made in the recent past.

Paris, I apologise for shaving my “head” before getting out pub-hopping with you. I know you have a smoother, shinier, juicier “head” than I do and I’m sorry my lack of hair took all the attention away from it.

Kevin, I’m sorry I trashed your car when you refused to let our kids, Sean-Preston and the other one- crap! I forgot his name again- go with me for my binging trip. I would buy you another one, only my lawyers would then have to take it back from you.

Justin, well.. I’m not sorry for anything I did to you.

For as long as I’ve been a famous popstar, I’ve had to make difficult decisions (like, just the other day, I had to choose between pink and gold earrings to match my S & M outfit for a new video). Well, writing this letter has been one of the toughest decisions ever. I hope you guys appreciate this and give me another chance.

Yours forever,
Britney Spears

From Britney ‘Once Upon a Time I Could Sing’ Spears

– Shishir Das

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