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8 things that will help you survive during an apocalypse

If you are reading this letter, you are probably one of the few unlucky ones left alive. You want to survive this don’t you? Well you need to do these simple things right and maybe you and the rest of humanity still has a chance.

  1. Don’t be an illiterate: If you can’t read, you are doomed. My words would be as useful as a good knock-knock joke on a zombie. Besides you would not be able to read maps, salvage smart and even write your own set of long winding letters to future generations telling them of your horrifying ordeals. You could record it or even video tape it, but which illiterate person would be smart enough to think of that?
  2. Don’t be overweight: Everyone knows that the chubbies go first, why do you think a smart ass like me is not around to tell you all this in person? If only I had traded in my ‘frequent fryer’s card’ for a gym membership, I would have ran for more than three minutes before giving up and writing this letter.
  3. Don’t trust people: A flesh eating bacteria in your lower intestine can be more pleasant than a human being during an apocalypse. We revert to our inner most animalistic natures in such situations to maximize our chances of survival. So if you feel some hair growing in the wrong places or if you find yourself relieving yourself in public, don’t be alarmed, it is just your body’s way of upping your chances of survival. If you do run into another living human being, approach with extreme caution and be watchful at all times. Make sure they know that you are safe and trustworthy, and as soon as you gain their trust, get rid of ‘em. That will teach them to trust people during an apocalypse.
  4. Don’t get out: Find a shelter, a good strong, safe one, and stay inside it for as long as possible. The best times to collect resources would be nightfall, so if you’ve ever wondered what it would have been like to have quit your job and become a writer like you’ve always wanted, you are going to find out. Sleeping all day can be tough, the sun can be annoying as heck sometimes, but hey, it’s an apocalypse for god’s sake, so toughen up already.
  5. Don’t waste time and resources: Every crumb collected, every drop of water secured, every inch of your shelter strengthened could be the telling difference if you are planning to survive this crisis. Don’t throw away the broccoli just because it tastes like toilet water, keep it for a rainy day, in case you ever need to torture some information out of some poor sap. Waterboarding is not advised, most survivors would kill for a shower, even an extreme one.
  6. Don’t be a hero: Do you want to live happily? Do you want to be able to live with yourself? Or do you simply want to live? Embrace your inner coward and it will guarantee a longer lifespan. The damsel in distress may end up with her savior at first, but when his incessant bravery costs him his life at some stage, you can swoop in then to console her. Would you rather have a cowardly shoulder for her to cry on, or no shoulder at all?
  7. Don’t get bored: What is the point of living and surviving if you don’t manage to have some fun with it? This is your best chance of driving that sports car you always had your eye on or reading that book you never found the time for until now. If you can get your hands on a portable TV and a DVD player, you could also spend your days watching famous films and television shows that deal with apocalyptic situations (The walking Dead, The world’s end, World War Z). For all you know, you could learn a lot more from them than from a letter you found by the side of the road.
  8. Don’t pick up stray letters: What if I am a maniac who resents anyone for surviving? What if I sneezed all over this letter and have been using it only as a medium to transfer the virus to you? Do you feel light headed, dizzy, nauseated? Well that’s just the infection kicking in. Next time, you won’t pick up garbage from the street and try to use it for your own survival, will you?

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