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300 bucks a head

A Tale of Brave Interns!

Paras Tomar is one of JAM’s new funnymen. Paras believes that if there is a situation that involves a boy, a girl and her mother, there can easily be a four part series created out of it. Quite often, you can read these series in JAM itself. Paras’ text ensures that JAM stays funny as ever and here he gives us y’all an inside look at how we work, come up with stories and eat our food.

Dateline: 31st May 2008 CE
The summer wind blew cool out of the air conditioner as we, the interns, tapped away on our worn out keys. We were hot, and we were sweaty, and above all we were hungry! It was the last day of our internship; long, hard months of toil with an acute scarcity of Aarey Lassi. But we weathered it all and returned victorious. For we were no ordinary summer part-timers. We were INTERNS!

While we loudly discussed the IPL whilst pretending to work, our editor remained inside, all alone, silent in his thoughts, with the weight of the next issue on his shoulders. He looked at his watch and realized that the sun was over his head. “Lunch time,” he thought to himself. Quietly he rose from his chair and stepped out of his cabin. And then, placing his hands on his hips he yelled, “INTERNS!”

We quickly gathered around him.
“It’s time,” he said staring blankly into the distance.

“Indeed it’s time,” Toulou joined in.

“Er… time for what?” we asked.

“Just follow us,” said Toulou as she walked downstairs and exited. Arjun soon followed suit. We hurriedly followed the twosome unaware of what awaited us. As we exited we saw Toulou revving her engine with Arjun sitting beside her in the front passenger seat waving frantically to us.

“INTERNS!” he yelled. “TONIGHT, WE DINE… IN HELL! AVOO AVOO AVOO!” he barked hysterically.

“Dude, I gotta be home for dinner!” Chinmay said.

“INTERNS!” he yelled louder.

“Okay fine fine, I’m coming.” Chinmay hurriedly ran to the car. As I began to walk towards the car myself, a voice from the inside called out, “Intern! Come back with a parcel… or don’t ever come back!”

“So where are we going Arjun?” I asked.

“Seven suns and seven moons ago, the prophecy was made. Today, it’s upon us! 300 for each head. The prophecy is upon us!” he said staring blankly ahead once again.

“What he means is that a week ago we planned to take you guys out for lunch on your last day but you can’t spend more than 300 a head,” said Toulou interpreting Arjun’s epic statement.

“Pull over when we reach the hot gates,” said a suddenly scruffy looking Arjun.

“Dude is that stubble on his face? I could have sworn…” Chinmay said confused.

Pretty soon we stopped outside Kobe’s – The Sizzler Place.

“The Hot Gates! March on interns! Avoo Avoo Avoo!” Arjun sped off.

“Dude look he’s wearing gladiator chappals!” said Chinmay rubbing his eyes.

“Chill yaar, he lives in Colaba… what did you expect?” said I as we walked inside.

Soon a waiter in gravy stained overalls came to our table to take our order.

“Give us three sizzlers, O! Messenger from the kitchen,” Arjun said barely making eye contact with him.

“Sir, we have a great deal on a purchase of three sizzlers today,” the waiter tried to explain.

“We shall make no deals whatsoever! Tell your men to throw all they have at us!” he roared at the waiter.

“Umm, what’s a sizzler? I’ve never had one before.” I said to Chinmay.

“Don’t worry you’ll love it,” he reassured.

Five minutes later, the same waiter returned with three huge steaming wooden platters that looked like they had emerged from a brimstone oven from hell. We were about to dine in hell alright, I thought to myself as I saw the enormous quantity of food before us.

“Umm… Arjun I can’t each this much. This is madness!” I sheepishly

“Madness? This is A SIZZLER!” he barked spitting out mashed potatoes all over the glass panes behind me. The next instant he dumped mashed potatoes by the shovel full on to my platter saying, “Eat well Intern I have a task in mind for you.”

He then slapped Chinmay on the back so hard that the poor fellow spat out his ice tea leaving an abstract painting of ice tea and mashed potatoes on the glass panes. “The prey is before you young one! Devour it!” he ordered Chinmay.

As Chinmay hesitantly raised his fork, Arjun lost his patience. “INTERN! DEVOUR IT!” he barked.

Suddenly some primal instinct inside Chinmay’s head was revived. I could see that he too had the same empty, glassy look in his eye. “Avoo Avoo Avoo!” he began to bark as well.

“Ha ha ha! You shall grow into a fine eater,” said Arjun stroking what was now a full beard.

As I watched in shock, Toulou interrupted, “The diminutive warrior… he’s here,” she said pointing to the kid on the adjacent table.

Feeling I was the only sane one left, I tried to reason with her. “Relax, he’s just a harmless little… What the heck, he just hurled a fork at me. Attack him Toulou!”

With a swift motion of her lightning fast hands, Toulou assembled a lethal poking device using ordinary straws and prepared for battle.

“You’ve had it now, kiddo!” she yelled!

A foolish patron decided to cross Toulou’s path at that time squeaking, “Do you mind? My boyfriend and I are eating here!”

Toulou sized up the rotund squeaker and in a whoosh she poked her to death.

“What the heck did you do? Did you just kill that woman?” I shrieked

“Relax Intern, she just paralysed her,” said Arjun with his mouth full of chicken.

“This is madness!” I said.
“Did you just say madness?” asked Arjun who was obviously not paying attention.
“Er… I said sadness.”

“Oh okay, I don’t have a line to respond to that.”

Meanwhile Toulou had risen from her seat armed with her lethal poking straws and was about to stab the evil kid. She inched closer as quiet as a predator with her eyes fixated on her target and was just about to pierce the prey’s flesh when the water that leaked onto the floor from the incontinent air conditioner brought about her downfall! She fell head first onto the glass pane mopping the abstract art Arjun and Chinmay had earlier created. In a fit of panic I turned to Chinmay and Arjun for help.

“Guys, Toulou’s down… what the hell happened to Chinmay? Why’s he face down on his sizzler?” I said almost yelling at Arjun who remained stoic.

“Arjun!” I yelled louder as he too began to slouch. “Dude what the heck happened here?”
“In… tern… Come closer *cough* the time has come,” he said groggily.

“Time for what?” I questioned impatiently.

“You… you… must go… must tell the others… tell them our story,” he said running out of breath.
“What’s the word limit? Arjun? Arjun?!” I slapped to keep him from passing out.

“300…” he whispered. “300… for every fallen head.” He too fell face down on the leftover mashed potatoes.
The End

Dedicated to Arjun, Toulou and the intern who bore upset tummies, burnt tongues and skull trauma, just so you could have a story to read. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a shave, “Avoo Avoo Avoo!”

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