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“Veeru Commits Suicide Using Jai’s Belt”


Welcome to the age of headlines!
Media generates captions so dramatic, that people instantly turn and say “What the…”

Of course since it’s the news it doesn’t matter if the newsline makes sense or not, because if you are watching the news it is only because you are over 60 and don’t enjoy reality shows, or you are impatiently waiting in your office canteen for your local ‘chotu chaiwala’. We only do all these theatrics because we are more desperate for public attention than Rakhi, (which is incidentally why we also do shows on her). But since we are News channels we cannot show semi nude chicks on-screen to get attention, because then it would be the same as cricket and nobody would pay attention to us either.

So all we can do to create drama is to make up ingenious headlines and then repeatedly smash them on your face like a birthday cake along with the ignited candles. We do have some morality though, for example when we display the video of the girl that got gang-raped, we pixelate her face so that people won’t easily recognize her. We could have just saved the girl the agony of ending up on national television for something so humiliating, but then there was no other news that we could use to make up audacious headlines like “Dhanno fails, Basanti caught by Gabbar’s men—gets gang raped”. It could be something straight to the point but the masses don’t appreciate simple things.

So we create controversial statements, we create drama; we create your very own real life Saas-Bahu level soap operas with real characters. Politicians, Actors, Players, and even normal people; nobody is safe from our power wielding clutches. We demean them, we defame them, and we disintegrate their lives until they are ashamed of ever having got out of their mother’s womb. If someone is foolish enough to respect his privacy then we create an even bigger scene, we display to the masses that this person has something to hide, something dastardly, something dangerous, something demonic! The masses continue to hum along with us until finally the real life characters do something creative—like suicide. Then of course, we get even better news to display. “Ashamed of his criminal past, Veeru commits suicide using Jai’s belt”

What makes our job easier is that India is more secular, than it is secure!

Don’t take this the wrong way; this does not in any way refer to our neighboring countries uninvited encroachment on our lands. Because if it comes down to that kind of security, our Army men are more than capable to handle the issue, as they have proved time and again.

What we mean is that the minds of all Indians are slightly insecure. The masses always react when they hear something against their favorite actor, their beloved player, or for that matter their choice of religion. All this makes our work all the more simpler, because all we have to do to create effective headlines is to follow this format;

“[Enter random offensive words here] [Enter celeb/religion here] [repeat the lines sixteen hundred times]”

Eventually someone, who is as sensitive as Anushka Sharma’s cheeks, will react in a violent way. The masses will erupt against it, although some will even side with us and safeguard our point of view as if it is their own. This usually easily develops a rift amongst the society; distorting the public perception about a particular subject and thus becoming the cause of conflicts within the masses, this is our forte; this is what we are best at.

Thus headlines that actually should be, “Crazy maniac plants bomb in public place” and “Pervert tries to molest minor”, get twisted wickedly into captions like, “Religious fanatic plants bomb near St. Mary Church” and “Godman almost rapes an innocent minor”.

Pointing fingers at religions is the most effective way to create mass appeal news that generates TRP faster than McDonalds French fries. If the people oppose or resist, then we capture that and display the caste as a group of angry individuals and prove that we were right about them. Because we have to power to display the world as we deem fit, we can display it as the gardens of Eden even if it’s actually the hellpond of Cerbrus. And the masses, completely blind to the obvious, will drink from the rivers of molten rock.

And before you start with the accusing us of heresy, let me enlighten you. We are not the culprits here; we only give what you demand. Because when all is said and done, we are not a news channel/newspaper, we are a thriving industry. We are a business at war with similar businesses. And as the old saying goes, “Everything is fair in love and war”. Chances are that we might be the ‘Gabbar Singh’ of this era, but it doesn’t matter because in the end we hold the power to make you believe that we are ‘Thakur’.

About aditya

Aditya is a humour writer and awaiting to publish his first book. He is passionate about gaming, and has trained in animation. He resides in Pune.