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The Statue of Shetty

Shilpa Shetty has done what no Indian could ever do. She decoded the lyrics ‘Saala Upma Aaiga Bori Aali Aali’ from ‘Main Khiladi Tu Anari’. And then Tata – Birla shook up the world of heavy metal. This is just the beginning. India will take over the world, and you’ll be too busy watching K serials to notice. Worry not, for JAM tells you what exactly will happen.:

1. Outsourcing For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Hindustan India Inc. shall outsource all their takeover and merger responsibilities to Kazakhstan and appoint Borat as their official negotiator. Negotiations would go like this:

Borat: Mr. CEO, I like company of your very much. I want to take over, on behalf of ze India.

Rival CEO: Never in my life!

Borat: In zat case, should I show you my back ?

Rival CEO: N.no. p.please..here..you can have my company. For free! You want my kidneys also?

2. Mumbai Hilton and Angelina Yadav
Paris will name her kid Mumbai, thereby leading to an identity crisis for the child that grapples with being the son of Paris, the Shanghai of India, and the New York of the East. Even Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid Apple will make fun of him. Plus at the age of five, Mumbai Hilton’s IQ will exceed that of his mom by a hundred-odd points. He’ll make a video and distribute it online, pleading to be adopted. The video shall reach Angelina Jolie, who will have dumped Brad Pitt for Rajpal Yadav. Mumbai Hilton will then grow up to make his debut in the Bhojpuri sci-fi flick ‘Sasura Ka Nada Bada Tedha‘.

3. When Harvinder Met Salma
Columbia Pictures will get inspired by Gadar and produce ‘When Harvinder Met Salma’ – An Epic Love Story. Sunny Deol will still play the male lead, only this time he will deliver his line “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!” in English, instead of Hindi.

4. Me Tarzan, You Jain
Indians shall take over America’s restaurant businesses, and just for fun, eliminate all traces of garlic, potato, onions and salt from the food. On other days, they shall spike the dishes with Indian chilly and turn off the water supply to the restaurant. As a result of such practices, America shall cease to be the most obese nation on earth, and will forever be indebted to India.

5. JAM Ke Padho
JAM will be prescribed as standard syllabus in schools and colleges all over the world. Students, in addition to learning the history, life sciences, maths and engineering, will also explore in great detail, the phenomenon of the Peeing Mutt (as seen on the ‘Chee’ logo). They will also start using the word ‘wonly’ after every sentence, and will hand out one paisa coins to random people.

Text: Ashish Shakya
Toon: Vivek Thakkar

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