Home » zArchives » Humour » Cover story » Stop making me your friend

Stop making me your friend

It is that time of the year again. Friendship Day! A day when people, who otherwise avoid each other like the plague, send each other emails and e-cards that carry messages of love and fellowship that clog our inboxes so badly that the important stuff start bouncing and we begin to hate each other even more.

Seriously, what happened to the good old virtues of friendship and fellowship that we enjoyed in our innocent youth in school and college? Back then we made friends based on true tenets of lasting relationships: rich parents, non-veg in their lunch boxes and attractive sisters/cousins/domestic help…

But today any idiot with a Gmail account, an internet connection and bad spelling is stalking you for your friendship.

Right now, as you sit there reading this cover story, we are slowly becoming friends with each other.

And I hate it. But it’s not your fault.

Let me explain.

As we speak someone I know, on a social networking website somewhere out there, is just about to invite everybody in his address book to become his friend. Within moments you will get an email like this:

“Dear Sir, Your order for the 2007 model silicone inflatable Pamela Anderson doll is being couriered to…”

WHOA WHOA WHOA WRONG EMAIL!

What I really meant was an email like this:

“Hey Sidin!!!

And one more exclamation mark to emphasize this point even more!

I really want you to be my friend!

Boy do we love using these exclamations that look like limbless upside down men!!!

I have created my profile on and I want you to sign up and be my friend even though I met you once in college many years ago and made lame jokes about your family at which point you bitch slapped me.

There are lots of like-minded people just waiting to get to know you so they can make sexual advances at you! But then, hey!, you might get free porn too. So why hesitate?! Sign up now!

Be a part of community now!

And to conclude: !”
Now I have to remind you that this individual has a surprisingly large address book that is almost entirely composed of people he has never corresponded with more than once. But this does not bother him remotely as he fires away salvo after salvo of email asking random strangers to befriend him.

I would normally not reply to such emails but these were extraordinary circumstances, what with the free porn and all. Therefore, not knowing that I was being sucked into a tremendous spiral of feverish fraternalization I would probably say yes.

And then a few days later you do the same thing.

Voila! We have been unwittingly, and unwillingly, been bonded together for life like two introvert and self-centered Siamese twins with bad attitudes.

Then begins the vicious pressure to network. Suddenly people leave messages on your networking site and expect responses immediately. This can be unsettling as the more articulate of these messages or ‘scraps’ read:

Hey heard you are not into amateur self-amputation! How come??!!

This leaves you flabbergasted and soon you become an outcast with no friends, no scraps and little cyber-self-esteem.

But that doesn’t mean that social networking is a lost cause.

The social networking phenomenon has helped people, who otherwise would find it difficult to mingle socially due to issues like body odour or frequent crimes of a psychopathic nature.

Now even they are able to shed their negative self-images by registering under names like Natasha ‘Kinky’ Sharma and leaving status messages like ‘Lonely but in thong’ and, thereby, reaching out to thousands of people who maybe interested in them which includes entire engineering colleges.

But as for me I am just happy with things the way they are. I have great friends who understand me, are flexible, selfless, very undemanding and completely safe even when fully inflated.

So you just go away and leave me alone.

Sidin Vadukut

About