When the fairer one shops, you rune for cover
A few weekends ago I was in Chennai with a bosom buddy of mine and she insisted we go shopping for clothes. It had been many moons since I had wafted in the welcome heady aroma of Tiruppur-fresh t-shirts and enticing rustle of large shopping bags. I was looking forward to a couple of hours of lazing between the aisles at Westside. We had a movie at 4. So we had all the time to choose.
So there was I, armed to the teeth with consumer credit in my wallet, when she uttered those dreadful words. “I need to buy a couple of tops for myself too…” My heart skipped a decent number of beats and my mouth fell wide open. Good God! What had I done? Going out with a woman and buying her stuff is the second most dangerous thing a guy can do. It closely follows going out with a woman and not buying her anything. My dreams of blissful moments in a trial room holding in my belly now lay shattered.
10:45 am: Female friend declares intention to buy women’s clothing
10:52 am: Author’s heart resumes beating after some seven minutes of near-death, and partial activity returns to both lobes of brain
11:20 am: Enter Spencer’s Plaza
11:25 am: Decide to buy women’s clothing first as we only have 4 hours left before the movie and she needs the time
11:30 am: Decide to visit Pantaloons first
11:32 am: Black t-shirt right length, too tight
11:42 am: Maroon t-shirt right fit but too short
11: 43 am: Green t-shirt in right length and fit but not available in pink. Pink has been declared as favourite colour
11:45 am: Author suggests pink t-shirt that seems right in fit and length. Severe feedback received on the unsuitability of colour of piping. Author requested to refrain from further comment or input
11:47 am: Wonderful yellow t-shirt. She loves it. Things looking good. She asks me if she looks fat in it. Author mentions slight tightness around the arms. 10 minutes of abuse evenly split between author and t-shirt. Mothers of both briefly referred to.
11:50 am: Pantaloon found to be severely short on choice, colours and sizes. Female anger let loose on security guard. Cashier however is politely spoken to as he is cute.
12:00 pm: Westside endowed with our attention and time. Initial reaction positive. The lighting highlights complexion well and air conditioning is just right. Saleswomen not hot. Things looking good. For her.
12:05 pm: Kurti in orange has bad red embroidery
12:06 pm: Kurti in orange without embroidery is too plain. I suggest nice brown sleeveless shirt. Curtly reminded of previous request to “SHUT UP WHEN I AM DECIDING!!!”
12:07 pm: Kurti in orange with just the right embroidery. Hurrah. No wait. She already has similar top. Damn.
12:08 pm: Pink t-shirt is perfect but way too tight. Pink is a horrible colour. I agree. Maroon is actually the favourite colour. I am hungry. I agree to that too.
12:15 pm: NO ONE WEARS T-SHIRTS ANYMORE. Absolutely I say. Button down shirts here we come.
12:16 pm: Asked to check if neck is too deep. I take my time to decide. Almost gets slapped. No guys around to notice. Phew
12:20 pm: Suggest lunch break. Heavy plastic hanger with metal clips misses right eyeball by inches. Sorry.
12:30 to 2:30 pm: Finally the perfect blue loose shirt with a spot-on neck and an immaculate print design on the front. She tries it on and I tell her she looks like Phoebe in one of the episodes in season 4. This time hanger does not miss. Ouch.
3:00 pm: Paid for the top and it’s in the bag. We proceed to the men’s section.
3:05 pm: Two shirts, one t-shirt and a pair of jeans tried, packed and paid for. She complains of too much delay and possible missing of movie. I briefly mention the difficulty of shopping with one eye in bandage.
3:30 pm: National Treasure!
Man it was a wild shopping trip. But I think I can do without another visit to Westside for sometime.
I have grown attached to my limbs and eyes. And I would like things to remain so.