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Salami Ishq

Mr. Meet Katkar, renowned chef and food lover, went to see Salaam E Ishq. But he’s not really the romantic kind. So why did he go for the movie anyway? And what is his latest book ‘Kachcha Papad, Pakka Papad‘ all about? Ramchandra Mutt gets it straight from the chef’s mouth (ok that just sounds weird)…

RM: First of all, why did you go watch Salaam E Ishq?

MK: I thought it would be about meat, y’know…SALAMI Ishq! But the only meat I saw was when Salman Khan went topless. He reminds me of a bull.

RM: You mean he’s built like a bull?

MK: No. His acting is all bullsh*t.

RM: Hmmm…you’re not a very romantic person are you?

MK: Oh of course I’m romantic – I LOVE food! As a great person once said, ” If music is the food of love, then no wonder Adnan Sami is the size of Africa.”

And on that profound note, we bring you an exclusive excerpt from Mr. Katkar’s book…

The Recipe for a Romantic Movie
1. Pick your ingredients very very carefully. Expensive meat like Salman Khan may look good, but if you sprinkle a little bit of dialogue on them, they become as appealing as Baingan Gelato. It’s the same with the Priyanka Chopra chops – best used for (un)dressing purposes.

2. Throw in a handful of songs. Assuming, of course, that your hand is the size of King Kong’s. There should be enough songs for every occasion – one when the boy dreams of meeting a girl, one after he actually meets the girl and thinks she’s an uppity bi*ch, one when he realises that she’s not, one for her dog’s birthday and one for the mausaji’s colon examination.

3. Even if it tastes like the underside of a termite-infested table, the Bollywood Romantic Dish should be able to sustain people for a long, long time. Quickies aren’t accepted in this part of the world. For example, I went in to watch Salaam E Ishq at 3:30 p.m. When I came out, owls were hooting, bats were aping the stunts from Top Gun, and a banner read "Happy New Year, 2057".

4. Do not, under any circumstances, add a Logical Script to your glycerine-laden dish. Most people are allergic to Scripts, and react violently, invoking all the female relatives of the creator who dared to mess with their intelligence.

5. If you’re having trouble cooking all of this up, just turn to an American cookbook and use their ideas. They’re too busy saving the world to notice. Bon Appetit!

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