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Rolay

Phekta Kapoor has announced that she’s making a Bhojpuri remake of Sholay, titled ‘Gabbar Singh‘. Dhanno ke poonch ke aakhri baal ki kasam, hum sach keh raha hoon! And Sickrum Bhatt has also decided to jump on the bang..err..bandwagon to make a soft porn version of ‘Amar, Akbar, Anthony‘. His version’s called ‘Kamar, Fukbar And Tony’. Ramchandra Mutt invited the two film-makers for a chat..

RM: So Phekta, what can we expect from your version of Sholay?

PK: Well, the Thakur’s been replaced by a 60-year old woman who looks like a sheep and is therefore called ‘Baa‘. She’s the head of her family, which owns a chaat-and-farsan business. She comes back one day after shopping at Premsons, to find all her top-secret recipes stolen and 6-7 family members bumped off. Of course, since the family has about 453 members, their deaths don’t really matter. But the recipes are gone, and Baa is furious! At this point, the film will fast-forward 20 years …and ..umm ..that’s all my writer had written, when I fired him because his kundli wasn’t kool enough.

RM: Hmmm… Interesting. And what about the horse Dhanno? She was one of my favourite characters…

PK: Dhanno will be played by my buck-toothed brother Busshar Kapoor, and some lucky actress will get to ‘ride’ him.

RM: I’m sure Maneka Gandi will object on using Busshar as the horse…I mean it’s insulting to the horses!

PK: If that happens, I’ll sign her on as Basanti. Waise bhi she speaks too much.

RM: And what about Ramu‘s film – do you see that as competition?

PK: Ramu ko bana diya mamu! I have made sure that Ramu will need a Ramu Kaka to do what his hands used to do…

RM: Ok let’s not get into detail there… and let’s move on to our next guest, Sickrum Bhatt. So what is Kamar Fukbar and Tony all about?

SB: ‘Inspired’ by the original plot, we have depicted 3 sisters separated in their childhood due to ‘unfortunate events’. ‘Kamar‘ ends up working in a dance-bar at Grant Road. ‘Fukbar‘ grows up in a brothel at Kamathipura and ‘Tony‘ eventually becomes a high-society stripper in L.A.

RM: Wow, L.A.! How did she get so far?

SB: Lokhandwala Annexe re! So these 3 separated sisters grow up and end up sleeping with the same guy Pee-roz Khan. This is how they eventually ‘come together’.

RM: ‘Come Together’. Sounds interesting.

SB: Wait till you hear the soundtrack (starts singing), “My name is Miss. Anne-Tony Porn-salves, Mein Bistar pe akeli hun..”. And the title track (sings again)

“Un-horny ko kar de horny, horny ko aur horny, ek jagah jab jamaa ho teen whore – Kamar Fukbar and Tony… Kamar Fukbar and Tonyyyy…

Ramchandra Mutt passes out!!

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