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Pati, Patni and Woah!

Gary’s mantra for success has stirred up a horn(y)et’s nest. Mr. Kirsten, appalled by the old-school coaching methods used for Team India, has prepared a sex-y 4-page ‘vision document’ on performance-enhancing (pun totally intended) tactics for better results, in (strictly professional) partnership with mental conditioning coach Paddy Upton.

While the Indian team has been scurrying for cover, trying to dodge uncomfortable questions with a safe “No comments” and the BCCI has been unusually silent following this, other countries have been very forthcoming. There hase been a huge range of reactions — from the utterly shocked “What the hell is he talking about” to the honest lament “I wish he was our coach”. This reporter also witnessed a few cries of “Damn, these lucky ba@#$%^s” being muffled and silenced as soon as they were uttered.

The dossier advises players to indulge in casual you-know-what just before the match to help boost testosterone levels. Mutt spoke to experts who said all experiments along these lines in the past prove Kirsten’s theory right. Look at Insane Warne. He has bowled many a maiden over (and has also done equally well on the field). Surely his wicket-taking abilities must have something to do with his active lifestyle? Surely he must have honed his googlies by pitching them to the ladies off the field. Cristiano Ronaldo is another example to perhaps, prove a point. He has always been on target, on all fields alike.

There have also been many debates over what the dossier actually contains. Despite Mutt’s best efforts, which involved combing the locker room, he wasn’t able to lay his hands on a copy. Sources say, it comes equipped with secret little notes (and pictures) to help stimulate the visual senses, and well, make them better (if you know what I mean). There will surely be some pointers on how to score better and improve techniques and positioning (OK, that’s it. No more puns) as well.

Meanwhile, this has added a whole new meaning to warm ups and practice sessions. Every player now eagerly looks forward to the match (or rather the pre-match warm-up). Mutt managed to sneak up to a cricketer before a training session and overheard…

Player: Honey, I have got to go for training. The coach is calling.

Wife (with a naughty twinkle): Remember what the coach said?

Player: Yeah. Right. Totally! Hold on, I’ve a call. Hey dude, I’m getting some……I mean, I’m in training. Will talk later. Yes honey, I’m coming.

Mutt also spotted one cricketer practicing sledging in front of the mirror. He was only to happy to give a special sample of his new ammunition…

Indian: Come on mate, haven’t got your pre-match dose?

Australian: F&*% you. Gary’s your coach, not mine. I had to make do with push-ups and catch practice.

Indian: Mate, even I took in some really hard catches this morning (Winks in an evil manner).

All the excitement apart, India’s performance in the Champions Trophy certainly warrants a change. Perhaps by following the new vision dossier Team India can peak in the ongoing T20 tournament, and be a part of an amazing climax (to the tournament). Again, forgive the puns.

But what if you aren’t married and don’t have a girlfriend (willing to tag along with you)? For all the stags that haven’t been able to get hitched, here are words of wisdom to help them along. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Solo.

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