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Mallika SheraMUTT!

Ignoring trivial issues like potholed roads, overflowing garbage dumps and illegal constructions, the BMC (Bekaar Municipal Committee) has decided to ban all obscene hoardings. This has given rise to employment opportunities for our star actress and model Mallika Sheramutt, because everybody loves a cute pooch. On this momentous occasion, Ashish Shakya guides you through the world of censorship.
Like all important inventions in the history of mankind, such as the wheel and Happy Hours, censorship too, was invented in the Stone Age. It all began when a bunch of old, learned members of society with the combined IQ of a flint stone, got together at a round table and decided to ban the obscene word ‘Homo erectus’. They didn’t succeed of course, but it was simply because political parties had not been invented yet. But in uniting to reach a conclusion that had no bearing on society whatsoever, those cavemen laid the foundation of modern censorship. Oops…did I just say ‘laid’?
Cut to the present. Modern day censorship has come a long way from its Stone Age beginnings. It now involves a bunch of old, learned members of society with the combined IQ of a flint stone…ok so maybe it hasn’t come a long way. But instead of fearlessly questioning and criticising the self-appointed moral guardians of our culture, we must look at their efforts in a modern context. We must realise that political parties *have* been invented now, and can set fire to our homes anytime, blaming the “unfortunate incident” on a “foreign hand”. So I, as a member of the incorruptible Fourth Estate, do proclaim, in India’s largest youth magazine, that I love censorship, and every little repressing, blood-boiling detail associated with it. In fact, I recently came across the following Orkut profile that drove me wet with ecstasy:
NAME: Fundamentalist B!tch
ABOUT ME: I love Pratibha Ma’am. I hate freedom of speech. I also hate karela, but that’s not a fundamentalist thing. Really.
HERE FOR: activity partners (people with experience in blackening faces preferred), business networking (anyone here own a kerosene factory..bulk amounts required)
POLITICAL VIEW: Umm..how do you spell Nazism?
HUMOR: Occasional (I last laughed when they arrested that art student in Vadodara)
SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Straight…although I did watch Fire just before burning down the theatre. I loved the movie, but if you tell anyone, I’ll kill you.
FASHION: If you can spot an inch of bare skin on me, I swear I’ll give up arson.
ACTIVITIES: Bashing up couples because they get more action than I ever will.
SPORTS: See above.
BOOKS: make for a great bonfire.
FIRST THING YOU WILL NOTICE ABOUT ME: The decapitated head of M F Husain in my hands.
FROM MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS I LEARNED: that politicians make for great bedfellows
IN MY BEDROOM YOU WILL FIND: WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING IN MY BEDROOM ANYWAY?
If you still have doubts about censorship, think about the children. What kind of world are we giving them, where dirty images such as that of Rajat Sharma’s combover, are available easily? They deserve to live in an age of innocence, like our fathers and grandfathers did, when a kid had to work really hard to get cheap thrills. Hiding magazines under the T-shirt is what makes a boy a man, and let not the little whippersnappers ever forget that.
I’d love to write more, but I hear a frenzied mob outside my door. They’ve probably read this article and have come to proclaim me their leader. Vote for me in the next election, will ya?

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