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Kuch Nahi Hota Hai

Hairy Author and The Awesome Alternative

This is a time of great crisis in Mumbai. The monsoon has made life very difficult indeed. The traffic is terrible, the trains are delayed, the buses are packed to the gills and, worst of all, editors of popular youth magazines still refuse to let people come late to the office.

What is the world coming to?

And don’t even get me started about the condition of the roads here. One of our writers fell into a pothole at Dadar yesterday. She will be sorely missed here and our Editor speaks for all of us when she said: “We will miss her dabba which was often full of Chicken Biryani and we are accepting fresh applications…”

This sad situation in Mumbai has prompted us to write about an issue of great significance that has emerged this monsoon and is causing a great deal of concern all round:

THE CHRONIC INABILTY OF SALMAN RUSHDIE TO STAY MARRIED

While conventional media might shy away from probing into this incident we at JAM decided that we must find out what has been transpiring in the Rushdie household of late. Late last night when we completed our sting report and tabulated our notes we were completely shocked by a short-circuit in the office due to water seepage.

When we recovered we found out that the wedding has been on the rocks from the very beginning. Now of course Salman does not have a problem at all. How could he? Padma Lakshmi is, to put it mildly, one hot hoochiemama sugar pup. In fact Mr. Rushdie remains a role model for all writers all over the world when it comes to scoring way above your league.

But we have learned from reliable sources that Mr. Rushdie has a tiny issue with the, umm, hubba hubba process, if you know what I mean. I mean its not like he doesn’t want to, writers are very very focused and clear about such things, it’s just that he can’t.

Let us explain.

Mr. Rushdie has been married four times and, unlike the author, is not the young rearing stallion he once was. The years have got on and he is not so good at making Midnight’s Children if you know what I mean. Of course Padma had no idea. The first night after marriage was a particularly fruitful one. But little did she know that she had just experienced The Moor’s Last Sigh if you know what I mean. “My! Aren’t you in a damn big rushdie” she often piped up in humour bruising his self-esteem. The nights after that were not so good. Try as he might he just couldn’t remotely begin to shake The Ground Beneath her Feet, if you know what I mean. And the more he tried the more he just made a Shalimar the Clown of himself if you know what I mean.

And after three years of pretending to be in love poor Padma had enough. She walked out on him and poor Mr. Rushdie is back to his single but less performance anxious ways.

But it’s not just Mr. Rushdie who has been having relationship issues.

After looking hard at the recent tribulations in the Boobasha Basu and John A-bada-Ham love story all we can say is this: “We don’t care if they are real or not! Yowzaa…”

Apparently she was sighted kissing the hunky Christiano Ronaldo somewhere abroad and the media snapped up a controversial photo of the cavorting couple.

There are various theories floating around:

1. He tried to kiss her
2. She tried to kiss him
3. JAM GAY SPECIAL THEORY: They both tried to kiss somebody who suddenly noticed his/her laces were off and bent over and then SNAP!

Poor John, who we last saw in a super-hit picture at Imax Wadala having the time of his life in the audience, is heart-broken.

However we are glad to say that there is a way out of this terrible trauma that our lover boys are going though:

Think different man. Think alternative. There are some great guys out there who would love to make both of you a happy … err… individual.

And what better to start cozying up to this wonderful alternative than this special JAM GLBT Special issue! Get ready to open up to a whole new world guys!

If you know what I mean.

Sidin Vadukut

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