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I Don’t Believe in the Gods of Cricket

They say, if one man worships something imaginary—its madness; but, if many men worship something imaginary—its religion. And the people who do not believe in these ‘make believe’ tales are branded Atheists—the scourge of the planet, the hell-damned people, the people who kick cute kittens when it meows.

Sadly I’m one of those people. I do not, cannot, will not be able to revere something/someone other than myself. In fact my levels of self-obsession are so high that mostly the only reason I stare into my girlfriend’s eyes is because I can see my reflection. But then being an Atheist gets irritating when most people pass snide comments on my choice of beliefs. They say that a man should have something to believe in, that a man should have faith, that a man should hold fear, and that man should attend every match of his favorite team regardless of his economic condition.

Now don’t get me wrong, Cricket is a decent game, good time pass option for three hours, especially since Shahrukh has decided to make crap like Chennai express and all other movies have been cancelled for this crap. Although what I am violently against is the angry mobs that shout out loud every time something extraordinary happens, like Sehwag contacts the ball with his bat, or Ashish Nehra gets an injury, or Sreesanth drops the towel.

Cricket is the only religion in our secular India that the government hasn’t managed to screw up—yet. Thankfully I do not have any attachment to this particular fandom of fanatics, mostly because I’m frail and weak and so lazy that I have to take a break for ten minutes each time after opening my eyelids. But my atheism is not limited to Cricket. I am an ‘equalist’, I hate everything regardless of how many balls are required to play it. Sports do not hold any attraction to my kind, we do not follow your religion, nor do we recommend it to any other soul.

Cricket lovers swear by cricket and call Soccer the game of hooligans, who break bones, tear shirts, drink the other man’s coffee, and take his teddy away. To this Messi rolls back his sleeves and says “Soccer mein kuch tutna hi chaiye. Fixing to cricket mein bhi hota hai!”

It’s difficult to be an atheist roaming around between all these zealous believers. In fact my own father is a devotee to this religion. And when I was but a child, my father wanted to sacrifice me on the altar of Kapil Dev. Sadly when he realized that I couldn’t bat even if Gabbar Singh put me at gunpoint, he was as disappointed as Thakur was after he finds his family is dead and his dog is dirty.

I guess I have an active disorder that prohibits me from being active and seeing active. That is probably why this writer job is so perfect for me. I just get to sit here and mock all those crazy people who spent half of my paycheck worth money on tickets, just so that they can see microscopic versions of their idols from a distance so far, you might as well be sitting on the moon.

I have always wondered as to why people are so obsessed with their team? Why every time Sachin bats, countless people stop working to stare at a screen expecting a miracle? Why every time there is an Indo-Pak match, the roads are as empty as a curfew? What is the magic that Messi has in his feet? What exactly is Soccer?

I have come to understand that many people have broken dreams, failed achievements, futile futures, and lead unsuccessful lives. These people, who have given up all hope on their lives, roam around aimlessly throughout their daily routine as a chore. They have no goals, no wants, they just want to finish their day so they can go back home and start all over again tomorrow.

But for these people, sports are an elixir. Sure, they couldn’t achieve anything in their lives but they are (sometimes mentally deranged-ly) happy that their player/ their team/ their country is achieving all that they could have never accomplished. Watching their sports gives them a sense of fulfillment, it adds to their empty shell like a positive electron. Sometimes the level of attachment to this sport becomes so obsessive that it’s just easier to give them LSD so that they’d calm down. But of course, if you have watched LSD, then I guess you know that it is the reason why no one watches Indian movies anymore!

The way I see it, everything should have a limit, there is a thin line between a being a follower and being a crazy, deranged, psychotic that drinks Boost because it is the secret to Sachin’s energy. We all have something that other’s cannot achieve, we are all somebody’s hero, our lives were not meant to be wasted watching someone else accomplish their dreams!

Get up, start to achieve something right now! I would love to join you—but as I mentioned before, I’m just too lazy.


About aditya

Aditya is a humour writer and awaiting to publish his first book. He is passionate about gaming, and has trained in animation. He resides in Pune.