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How to screw a perfectly good Interview?

The following piece has been written for the sole purpose of seeing you, utterly and dismally fail. Do not peruse the contents of this slanderous piece if you really wish to have a Mercedes in your garage by the time you are 30. The only reason this article has been published is because this psychotic writer is pointing a gun at the forehead of your beloved editor. You have been forewarned. Do not read it.

 P.S.:- Someone call the cops, please….!

 

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Napoleon 1

For some people, failure is a setback; for some, it a learning opportunity; for others, failure is success in disguise; for the writers of the self-help books, failure is a source of employment.  But for me, failing is an art. Based on the rich experience and exposure I gained from all of the 3 interviews I gave for the B-schools, I think I am the right person to guide you in this unique venture of how to suck at almost everything.

Sample this:

Q. Why IIFT? Why not any other B-school?

A. Sir, there were two genuses of our ancestors: Homo sapiens and Homo erectus. The reason why Homo erectus went extinct and Homo sapiens didn’t is because Homo erectus liked to live in isolation. They didn’t trade amongst their various tribes and hence they were wiped out. Whereas, Homo sapiens traded amongst themselves, they established relations with their various tribes, hence they survived and thrived. So in this globalized world such as ours, it is very important to trade amongst the different countries because in one way or other we are dependent on each other. Hence Indian Institute of Foreign Trade would give me that extra edge to compete in this highly globalized world. (End with a smug smile, be confident, they surely won’t check the scientific validity of the statement as they already have decided against taking you in.)

Homo erectus, Java man

This ladies and gentlemen, is your Lesson #1: Concoct fantastic stories, do not by any means give straight answers.

Now remember, there is a tough competition out there. Though they say that 9 out of 10 guys get rejected, many don’t even show up for the interviews, hence the ratio decreases. So you have less chances for failure, discover innovative methods to get rejected.

Now this is something you must do: If you find that the interview is going on at a staid pace, and with sinking heart you feel that they might select you, you must introduce words whose meaning you hardly know. For example: When they asked me about a book I read in the I.I.M. Indore interview, I subtly mentioned in the passing while describing that book something called ‘Game Theory’. Of course I didn’t exactly know what it was, and Eureka! They clung on to it like a harpoon on to the Blue Whale! They beat the shit out of me, and I was literally glowing inside: Yup, I am going to get rejected!

Lesson #2: Play with fire. Fingers would burn automatically!

But of course, these interviewees like to give you as many chances as possible. 1 egregious error won’t cut a deal. You need to make many such mistakes to bring the house down.

So here is your Lesson #3: Emulate Gandhiji, speak the truth!

Please believe it my friend, though your teachers like to say otherwise, Honesty is the best policy if you want to get rejected. When they ask you about your job, please do not be modest. Mention in specific details about your cushy government job and the perks it would beget if you join the aforementioned heaven. It would tickle the hell out of those interviewees; they would start passing snide remarks, that my friend would be your guarantee that they won’t select you.

I know, like me, you would be intelligent enough to fill the interview form with your numerous accolades that you won right from your nursery to the college. Sprinkle your form with them. Mention about your college fests in which you were the volunteer and coordinator; explain in great detail what responsibilities you undertook, explain why it was a life-changing experience for you. Man, they would love it!! You are in for a helluva ride.

Hence, Lesson #4: Bore/tickle/piss them to death with your college fest experience. Do not forget to mention that you had 25,000 footfalls last year!

If you religiously follow the above lessons, if you have a habit of putting your own foot in your mouth, if you are a boy from general category, an Engineer at that and if you have scored slightly less than your more intelligent peers, well mate, you sure as hell are going to get rejected!

Remember this Zeroth Law of Personal Interview: They really want to select you, you would have to work really hard to get rejected.

If practice makes a man perfect, it also has the ability to make him imperfect! Try, try and try again, till you succeed to fail!

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