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Higher Studies

Are you confused about your career? Looking for somebody to give you directions at the crossroads of Life? Well, that somebody could be your local traffic pandu. But if his pot belly turns you off, you can always count on career counselor Chattu Chattopadhu for sound advice and stupid alliterations.

Dear Chattu
I’ve just given my 10th Boards and I want to become a death metal vocalist. But I have no idea about the profession. What institutes should I attend? Does the job pay well? Is long hair more susceptible to lice? Kindly advise.
-Lallan Singh

Dear Lallan
There are no institutes that offer a formal certification in Death Metal Vocalism, but you can train yourself at home. The first step is to start singing out loud. For inspiration, perform unprintable acts with a gorilla and imitate the noise that ensues. If your neighbours and family threaten to kill you, you’ll know you’re on the right track. However, if they like your   singing, you might actually be turning into (gasp) a popstar! Kill yourself before this happens.

Dear Chattu
I’m an open-category student and have scored 90% PCM in my HSC and wish to take up engineering in Mumbai University. Kindly guide me on the college, branch and admission process. I am very confused.
-Chashme Buddhu

Dear Chashme Buddhu
The admission process is quite simple. First, you have to stand in a queue for a really long time. By the time you reach the  form counter, you will have become a father, so buy an admission form for your children and study engineering from them.

Dear Chattu
I’ve scored 70% in my XIIth boards (Arts). I wish to become a journalist. I want to travel and write about global issues like wars, corruption, famine, the environment etc. Could you tell me about the job opportunities in this field?
-Anonee Mus

Dear Anonee
In today’s rapidly changing world, there are lots of job opportunities in the media. Career-making stories present themselves to you everyday. For e.g, when there is a war, you can write stuff like: “Ash goes to the border to meet injured soldiers, wearing a godawful outfit that was like soooo last season. I mean what was she thinking? ” Or if you want to write about the environment, you can say:

“Shahnaz Hussain unveils new, environment-friendly facepacks made from the droppings of the endangered Bengal Tiger.”

I’ve given you so many ideas here – at least mention my name in your Pulitzer-Prize acceptance speech.

Dearest Chattu
I’m 43, and I was recently judged Miss-Second-Floor in my building beauty contest, and that too, without sleeping with the judge! So now, I want to take my talent to the skies and become an air-hostess. I have two very big, eye-catching assets my brothers Dagdu Bhai and Kallu Bhai, who can ‘convince’ anybody to recruit me. But I want to do this the right way. How do I go about it?
-Miss Hawa Hawaii

Dear Hawa Hawaii
It has been predicted by an agency whose name I cannot remember and which will have probably shut down by the time you read this, that there will be an estimated 970,000 job openings for airhostesses in the next 10 years. This is mainly because passengers will start throwing them off planes when they realise that all airhostesses do not look like Soha Ali Khan. In fact, some of them look more like Rajpal Yadav in drag.

You should join a reputed aviation academy. It has been statistically proven that airhostesses who graduate from ‘Flying Pussies’ Academy get the best jobs, though I wonder why. However, if you are good-looking and young (i.e below 50), you can forget about joining Indian Airlines*.

*Not to be confused with the real Indian Airlines, which we cannot comment on, for legal reasons.

Ashish Shakya/Vivek Thakkar

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