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Gaana Zaroori Hai

A small hand quivers before turning on the radio knob, some eyes fill up when they press the remote control. Every moment spells fear as the latest victim goes: Ooooooooooo,oooooo,ooooooo,uh?

A growing fear has gripped the nation. A deadly virus is on the loose. It strikes through the auditory canal. Symptoms of Reshammiya-itis include victims going tone deaf and singing in a nasal voice; in short they are possessed.

So please for heaven’s sake don’t turn on the radio, don’t turn on the TV, don’t go outside, don’t look at noses or pluck them and don’t try to sing. The chicken flu virus, loadshedding, BEST strike, hotels’ strike and even the upcoming mad cow disease can be linked to this singer.

The biggest casualties being VJs and RJs,who have been continuously playing Himesh’s songs on the radio and TV. A top 20 countdown show in a radio channel goes “Toh yeh tha, Himesh ka suroor but we’ll take a short break before we get into Tera suroor remix, Aksar, Aashique banaaya, Aashique banaya remix, Humko deewana …”

Even news channels are breaking the news out about the horrifying phenomena… In the background people with white eyes roam around, some fall dead but not before they sing a number… A reporter with ear plugs, reports from the northern state of Bihar where even the cows have gone berserk on hearing the horrific Tera surooor.

A milk man laments: “The virus is fast spreading,it started with my son and then the servant getting possessed, now whenever the song Tera suroor is played on the radio or TV, my cows break loose of the rope and run away.”

Reporter: “How fatal is this virus?” (a cow runs and whacks the milkman out of the frame).

Reporter: “The story goes that the now-famous nasal singer (“mooooooaaaaaauuu” goes a cow in the background) was kicked through a stable by a cow’s hind foot, into a pile of dung. He was never found again.”

“Ever since then it is believed that his bhatakti aatma sings a thousand monotonous songs of the same tune to get back at the hoarse sounding national mammal.”

Public Health ministry spokesman: “The virus can be transmitted through radio transmissions, waves, sounds or anyone/ thing sounding hoarse could be a carrier of the disease.”

The only known cure: A pair of extra-strong, extra-thick, extra sound-proof earplugs.

Toon: Sumesh G. Pillai, Text: Thomas ‘Tom’ Koshy

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