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Ek, do, teen… fail

Saurabh Datar presents three Bollywood businesses that can never prosper

I recently went to Gujarat to take care of some unfinished business. Yes, I finally got rid of that ridiculous photo of me in ghagra choli, or whatever it is that the Gujju men wear during the mating period that is Dandiya. I buried it deep beneath a field in a village near Ahmedabad (or should I say Amdavad?). It was a torture method used by a couple of friends after I made fun of them in one of the articles. How they got me to wear it, I don’t remember. It just suffices to say that every time I made a snide remark, one of my friends surreptitiously danced to dandiya. That was a signal for me to shut up or else the photo would find its way on to Facebook where it would be ‘liked’ by all my friends and I would have to move to Bangladesh to save myself the embarrassment. Long story short, it’s now safely beneath tonnes of bullshit. Literally. Phew!

What I also learnt is that Ahmedabad is developing rapidly. Thanks to the innate business sense Gujjus are born with. They can sell anything to you. That is when my mind started working and imagining how other people would fare in their ‘dhandas’(read business and not the other one). And to serve as my punching bags now, I will take up Bollywood as examples lest I’m held to ransom by some other friends of mine. Muahahahaha.

Thakur and Ramlal’s Co-operative Bank: As the name suggests the bank is literally cooperative. You put your money in the bank, you can be sure that the whole treasury will be put up on display. And let’s just say that security is not the best of their offerings. When robbers come calling, by the time Thakur gets a trigger to his feet and Ramlal to the gun, the robbers would have already divided the loot among themselves and would be dancing themselves senseless like Sunny Deol in ‘Right ya Wrong’. So this business is meant to be disaster. Just like Jakk(kkk?)y Bhagnani, Kim Sharma and Hurrrman in one
single film.

Bauji’s Multi-cuisine Restaurant: The NRI-in-exile that he is, he always finds mitti ki khushbu in anything that is even remotely connected to India. And let’s just say that the variety of cuisines available at the restaurant span from Bhatinda to Amritsar. You aren’t given your food until you feed the pigeons lovingly with an inviting “Aaoo”. Punjabi food is delicious agreed, but when you go to this restaurant and order noodles, you don’t want to find sarso ka saag dripping on your noodles. And you definitely don’t want girls dancing in tandem to ‘Ghar aaja pardesi’ and throwing around multi-coloured dupattas at you.

Alok Nath-Reema Laagoo (Babuji Maa) Detective Agency: Why will this fail? Because Alok Nath is God incarnate. His childlike belief in everyone’s honesty and his ultimate morality will put even Yudhishtir to shame. So the very first time you go to him with a case you’re sure to receive a half hour lecture on morality. And then of course, you will be treated to tea, 10 kilos of snacks and about a dozen songs in the mansion-like office. You will also have to meet his sons (Prem one, two and three) their wives, and the pan-chewing uncle who says ‘Bhai wah!’ at 20 times per minute. And in the end, he might end up getting you married to one of his daughters. And Reema Laagoo aka Laxmi Chachi(!) keeps looking down and playing harmonium all the time, so she ain’t gonna be much help too. Unless you have a daughter and want to get her married off to one of the Prems.
So there isn’t going to be much of a progress on your case.

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