It has been hailed as the best biography since Hillary Clinton’s His Lies. Some have compared it to Monica Lewinsky’s Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind. It, is Bill Clinton’s memoirs, the very honestly titled My Lies. Presenting some intriguing excerpts from Bill’s masterpiece.
On His Childhood
My mother caught me undressing my cousin’s Malibu Barbie doll when I was eight. I explained that I was just drying her off coz she’d just been for a swim. I always got into trouble like that. Like the time Mrs Wilkinson punished me for staring at her chest. No one believed me when I said I was only admiring the intricate embroidery on her blouse.
I met Hillary in college. The first thing she ever said to me was “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” We couldn’t kiss much though. My No-Marks cream gave her a severe rash, and she suffered multiple minor wounds on her tongue because of my braces. Hillary is my only true love. The others are all false.
On Being President
I was the best President the United States ever had. It’s not easy being President. Managing a country was way harder than I had ever imagined. Thankfully, I played a lot of Simcity3000.
On Monica Lewinsky
Let me get the record straight. I did have an affair with Monica, but that was only when Hillary and I were on a break. Hillary was visiting Uganda or some other sidey African joint when she called me. During the conversation she clearly said “Billy… you’re breaking up… (static in the background)” and then her phone went off.
Contrary to newspaper reports which had Hillary defending me, at home, I had to defend myself from Hillary and her crockery. I learnt that Corelle cookware is not really unbreakable when hurled across a room with the right amount of force.
On Bush’s Presidency
George isn’t half as good as I was. Though Laura is quite the hotty. I’ve always had a thing for her. This one time when Bush was giving some boring speech announcing war on Iraq, or some other oil rich middle-east nation, me and Laura got cozy at the Oral… (sorry, old habits) Oval office. Luckily, I’d remembered not to apply the No-Marks cream.