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Cover story

The Times of ZORTON

DATE: ZOONDAY, OOKYBOOKY 27, 2039 In a galaxy far far away, there exists a planet where the rivers are made of beer, and the residents do nothing but frolic by the beach all day, singing ”Oola La La La La Ole O!” and also (if they’re really drunk) “Meri Pant bhi sexy / Meri Shirt bhi sexy…”. If you ever ...

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Who da Man?

Indian presidents are like Chandler Bing and Kosmo Kramer. Everybody knows who they are, but slap me silly if anyone actually knows what they do. In stark contrast are their American counterparts, who’re faced with real-world challenges such as figuring out the spelling of Afghanistan. JAM organised a Presidential Pageant, where The Honourable Ramchandra Mutt (RM) grilled contestants to decide ...

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Mumbai Horror

We don’t want to write a cover story because a leading Mumbai newspaper had already published it for us a few weeks ago. This is the scanned copy. Let’s sympathise with the Indian team and not burn down their houses because kerosene is expensive. And advertisers, stop making those ads every year please. It’s a shameful waste of money.

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Tum Hamar Final Hasband Hau

Mr. Sasur K. Naati, producer of hit Bhojpuri film ‘Tetwaa Tuhaar, Haath Hamaar’, has expressed his desire to cast Arun and Liz in his next blockbuster ‘Tu Hamaar Final Husband Hau’. ‘Is philm mein aksun hai, emosun hai aur seksual tensun bhi hai’, said the producer, his paan spittles pirouetting like Nagma on the silver screen. THE STORY: Elijabeth is ...

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Shave me baby one more time!

Ashish Shakya explores the Britney Spears phenomenon. Thankfully, it does not require him to listen to ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’. There are very few things in this world that fascinate me as much as the dirt patterns on my left toenail. Britney Spears is one of them. Think about it. Not so long ago, she was a superstar ...

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The Statue of Shetty

Shilpa Shetty has done what no Indian could ever do. She decoded the lyrics ‘Saala Upma Aaiga Bori Aali Aali’ from ‘Main Khiladi Tu Anari’. And then Tata – Birla shook up the world of heavy metal. This is just the beginning. India will take over the world, and you’ll be too busy watching K serials to notice. Worry not, ...

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Salami Ishq

Mr. Meet Katkar, renowned chef and food lover, went to see Salaam E Ishq. But he’s not really the romantic kind. So why did he go for the movie anyway? And what is his latest book ‘Kachcha Papad, Pakka Papad‘ all about? Ramchandra Mutt gets it straight from the chef’s mouth (ok that just sounds weird)… RM: First of all, ...

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Gastrology

Arnab a.k.a. Greatbong peers into the future without his contact lenses. And this is what he sees… PREDICTION 1 -Aishwarya Rai will marry Abhishek Bachchan just so that people can stop obsessing with the “will-they-won’t-they?” and get on with their lives. As an added benefit, news-channels can go back to doing something they have forgotten for some time now—- reporting ...

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Bahbull!

Ashish Shakya pe mat ro. Let him tell you, in his own words, what happened one fateful night… I came home the other day, after my weekly bout of alligator-wrestling and what I saw made my jaw drop to the ground, tripping three people in the process. But I didn’t care because I was too busy wondering “DUDE..WHERE’S MY HOUSE??”. ...

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