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Breaking News : Porn OK Please

Champak Chauhan (name changed for confidentiality) is a promising lad from the middle strata of the Indian Society. Every day he wakes up at 6 o’clock and after his morning chores, wears a dhoti, smears an orange teeka on his forehead and performs a detailed aarti of the God he believes in, with all his soul – Hanumanji. He believes that ‘Tann ki shakti, mann ki shakti’ comes from unflinching bhakti and not from a chocolaty powder called Bournvita.

Thereafter, he humbly puts on the ID-card of Infosys-Bangalore and hops on to the bus hoping that his Project manager, yet again, considers his plea for an onsite approval which he had been promised 3 years ago. Champak is ‘soft spoken and as docile as a lamb’, according to his last appraisal. He was a bit unhappy the way things were going on of late and was heard saying “In 5 years, even my cubicle hasn’t changed, let alone onsite”. Still, he sailed on. But something inside his mind snapped on April 16th this year.

“Champak started swearing uncontrollably later that evening in his office canteen and even went to the Brahmachari Hanumanji Temple across the street and created a ruckus there. He swung himself up a ‘mandir ka ghanta’ and thundered to God to punish some wrongdoers“, said his colleague Amit who has known him for the past 5 years. When he got exhausted and calmed down, he was found uttering ‘Prawn! Prawn!’ under his breath. “We couldn’t understand the head or tail of it. What did the poor sea creatures do?” said Amit.

It was then known that Champak had been violently been shaken of the fact that the government had, on that day, tried to pass a petition to block all the ‘porn’ websites in the country.

“Has the government gone nuts? How can I believe ‘Congress ka haath Aam aadmi k saath’ when we men will not be allowed to use our own hands…? I am 27 years old. My B.Tech life ended without finding a girlfriend, even today I have no confidence to talk to these high-maintenance girlfriend materials in the IT industry. My neighbour Cheeku, a class 7 student has made 3 girlfriends just by chatting with them on WhatsApp. My mother has stopped seeing marriage prospects for me after getting many rejections because of the growing a bald spot on my head (even Dr. Batra’s medicine is having no effect on it). And they had to think of banning the porn now?” a concerned and violated Champak had to speak out.

Champak rejects the idea that viewing porn may induce young boys to come on the streets naked and chase women to rape them. “Even girls watch porn! All of my B.Tech life, I had been asking my old room-mate, Rituporno DasMujkherjee, as to why he kept exchanging his pen-drive daily with his girlfriend, to which he didn’t respond but always smiled back”, Champak reflected on his past days.

The day he wanted to print his Final Year Project, (which was the best project in the entire college, he claims), he borrowed the pen-drive from his roomie’s girlfriend and gave it to a cyber-café near his college, to print it.

“When I returned to collect the printed papers, I was shell-shocked to see the pictures of my favorite actresses – Sunny Leone and Priya Rai, among other pages in my thesis. All the girls in my college avoid speaking to me even today – when they are married with 2 kids!”

The plight of Champak is the status quo with any other youngster in India. Hardick Sharma from Uttar Pradesh has even gone to the extent of challenging the Section 69A, which came into effect on October 27, 2009 that has raised the bar for the executive power to block porn websites. It states that the government can still block such websites, but only if they create a “public order” problem — an unlikely probability. Savita Bhabhi, for instance, can hardly start a riot. “The hypocritical name of the (aforesaid) Section is sending a wrong message to the people in India. It should be amended as soon as possible”, came out the cry of a public servant in the Punjab Municipality.

The resurgent problem is not a new weed in our ancient garden. It seems young boys and girls in our country have been potential targets since a long time. Harandeep Sandhu, a member of the Haryana Khap Panchayat is a renowned social activist in his village. “Pornography poisons the mind of our Indian men. The internet is an evil and somebody should pull the plug out of the socket before it does any more harm, literally. I have personally written a letter and send it through speed post to our Chief Minister Bhupinder Singhji to ask someone to shut down the switch and lock the door from outside maintaining a security perimeter.”

Haryana on a positive swing, has taken some bold decisions to curtail the detested bestiality in their men. “The Haryana Khap Panchayat is absolutely right in stating that the consumption of Chowmein fuels the animalistic rage in young men due to hormonal imbalance”, a member of the Panchayat was noted quoting.

Khap Panchayats had evoked outrage after Sube Singh, a Khap leader, advocated the lowering of age of marriage for girls from 18 years to 16 years on the grounds that young girls are vulnerable to rapes and should be married off earlier. But the Panchayat defends its statement by making this one, “This is a cautious step that our senior and educated leaders have taken to ensure an even better security of women. If a man is under the influence of chowmein and somebody yells from behind that the girl is 16 years or more, then automatically, a self-realization would dawn upon the man that the girl is probably married and should not be pursued and raped. She is somebody else’s property. This has worked out very well in Haryana, though it’s still in its experimental stages.

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