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2016, The Year of Marriage

It’s the dawn of the new year, which is usually a very exciting time for most people who like a genuine reason to drink. Nothing warrants downing alcohol till you hit coma like your planet completing a rotation around the solar system’s host star.

Most people are happy that 2016 has finally ended, since there have been plenty of terrible things that have occurred across the span of these twelve months. Harambe was taken away from us abruptly, Donald Trump won the US election, and the worst thing to happen was Leonardo Di’ Cap finally won an Oscar!

For me personally, the year 2016 was terrible. It was like being on a 60ft tall waterpark slide, with no water on the slide, or in the pool below, with rusted metal spikes at the bottom, and Badshah feat Honey Singh songs playing on a Chinese Bluetooth speaker…on a loop.

It wouldn’t have been so dreadful, but all my friends decided that this is the year to get married and began work on repopulating the Arctic and Antarctic and overthrowing the penguin rule from those lands.

Every single time I open FB to find out ‘which Bollywood Celebrity I look like’, I’m barraged with notifications of “Friend of yours got married to this unbelievably smoking hot chick that you will stalk for the next hour” or “Childhood crush got married to this guy who looks like Hero Alom, and KRK’s love child, at least he’s rich…unlike you paupers. Lol Gareeb”.

These kinds of notifications mess with your mind, don’t they? It reminds me that I still haven’t managed to settle down, find a serious girlfriend, get a sufficiently large house in a decent location, and that I still continue to while my time away gaming and binge watching pirate-flix. While it’s not a big deal for many, I still stay awake at nights and mull over these thoughts. ‘Why would someone want to marry when they can do all this cool stuff with their lives?’

I have considered marriage a couple of times in my life, but all those times I was hungry and my cooking skills hadn’t progressed beyond boiling water until it bubbled. Other times, I avoid marriage like truck drivers avoid personal hygiene. The real problem is that I have tremendous commitment issues, it is to a point where I can’t even tolerate the same wallpaper on my phone for more than a minute. I appreciate the changing, dynamic nature of life, and want it to carry forward to my relationships. I cannot swallow the idea of having a single woman dominating my life and telling me what to do, when multiple women can ruin it effectively within lesser time.

I don’t even mind these friends having their weddings, I mind when they invite and insist for me to show up. I’m awkward, anti-social, and a square peg that doesn’t fit well in a round hole. I avoid going places where there could be a throng of crowd, like temples, grocery shops, Roadies auditions, train stations, etc. Within this year, thanks to all the marriages I was coerced to attend, I by-hearted all the mantras chanted by the pandit, memorized the lyrics to most folk songs, and gyrated robotically while the band played Beat pe Booty, and Chittiyan kallaiyan.

As my friends continue to marry, all my relatives turn to me with expectant eyes. They want me married in the next year, which would be easy if only I had a girlfriend, or money, or good looks, or confidence and general speech articulation around the fairer sex. I have never particularly excelled in the art of wooing women for even a coffee date, much less get them to stay with me for a lifetime.

Marriage is a huge deal in our society, its treated like an achievement and is most definitely celebrated like one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy that your family now approves of you having sex in the house, your mother would even get you a bucket full of milk for…encouragement. My only qualm is that we treat people who aren’t married with disdain, like we’re the reason for demonetization. Everyone pushes marriage in our faces as if it’s a necessity like Dettol handwash, it’s not. Some people have goals that don’t coincide with settling down, getting married, and having kids. We want to cruise through life attaining our goals, roaming around the world, achieving something far greater than just a family of our own.

All I want to ask of you people is to stop pestering us like credit card companies. Marriage and credit card both seem like the best thing to do until you spiral out of control and end up dire financial situations with crippling debt. We will get married once we feel the time is right, and we’ve met the special person. Until then, I request those fine people working at FB to add a method of unfollowing a particular kind of post. If I see another life event stating, “Your friend who was divorced last year got married to a girl who looks barely legal to marry, much less to fantasize about”, I might just hurl my phone into a bucket of scalding hot water. But, I won’t do that, it turns out that according to this quiz on FB, I’m Salman Khan, so all of you best hope I never think of renting an SUV.

It’s the dawn of the new year, which is usually a very exciting time for most people who like a genuine reason to drink. Nothing warrants downing alcohol till you hit coma like your planet completing a rotation around the solar system’s host star. Most people are happy that 2016 has finally ended, since there have been plenty of terrible things that have occurred across the span of these twelve months. Harambe was taken away from us abruptly, Donald Trump won the US election, and the worst thing to happen was Leonardo Di’ Cap finally won an Oscar! For me…

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